You wait for months and you labor for hours. You skip coffee and wine and fatty snacks for his benefit. Finally, you receive this baby, who, in a blink of an eye or rather a single final push, changes your world forever — this baby whose every move you chart, feel, assess, watch and hover over. You spend nights rocking him through goodness-knows-what-kind of colic or fussiness. You sleep lightly and check on him 100 times a night, just to make sure he’s breathing because after you give birth to him he is the breath of life itself to you.
You give up sleep, hobbies, time and peace of mind for him. You pray, worry, plead with God for only the best for him. You sit up nights to figure out how to afford the best education for him and how to teach him all he needs to know to love God and do his will. You wonder, ponder and strain your brain to figure out if vaccinating is the right thing or not. You question whether you feed him too much or not enough, indulge him too much or not enough, discipline him too much or not enough, spend time with him too much or not enough. You want to buy him all the cutest outfits you see and all the toys they make. You cannot, and it’s a good thing, because you would. There are not enough hours in a day to love this child.
He stretches towards his independence and you try to be patient. It is painful for him because he can’t stretch far enough for his tastes. It’s painful for you because he stretches too far for yours. He extends. He comes back, and you no sooner relax then he stretches forward again, each time pressing a little bit further away from you. Both of your elasticity grows.
When he gets his driver’s license you keep one eye on the clock, figure out how much time it should take him to each destination, and worry and pray when his return is a minute too long. When he gets his first job you are so proud that your heart swells to almost bursting. He is growing into a responsible human being, and Mozart’s mother could not have felt more satisfaction at hearing her son’s first concerto. When he leaves for college you feel your heart will break with loneliness, even though your house is full of others who fill your heart, ironically, equally.
He hurries in and out, not meaning to rush past you to his dizzying scheduled events. He doesn’t know why you stop your work and sit at the stool when he comes in and don’t resume until he is up and out the door again. He doesn’t see your struggle to hold your tongue in offering advice or direction unless asked, knowing he is capable now and not wanting to annoy. He doesn’t know you worry he’ll move far away forever and you will be left with his 20-year-old worn, nursery teddy bear as consolation. He doesn’t realize that when he stops momentarily for a quick hug before rushing out the door, that you treasure that gesture and recall it again and again, or that you’ve bargained with God a thousand times, “If you have to, take anything from me, but please protect him and keep him safe.”
No, he doesn’t know these things, and won’t know, perhaps for another twenty years. It will dawn on him in the dusk of an evening perhaps after his own child leaves for a movie with his friend with a promise to be home ‘some time later.‘ He will suddenly understand. It will become clear like grey, parting clouds revealing an eternal blue sky in a high but gentle wind that comes seemingly out of nowhere but has been imminent all along.
In this swift revelation of the obvious he will call his mother and he will say, “I love you and thank you for everything you have done. I never realized.” And he won’t have, at least not until then. Paradoxically, he will not ever be able to repay that love to the one who loved first and most, but can only honor it truly and fittingly by bestowing it devotedly upon another unsuspecting progeny. For a parent’s love is mostly paid forward, not backward, and the recipient is unaware for years of the tenderness and care and severe, deep devotion his parent has had for him. Upon discovering this simple fact, when the light has finally been shone on the steadfast love, the secret circle will be complete — apparent and yet unknown for another generation.
In that one defining moment, which took much effort and many years to bring to fruition and awareness, he, the son, discovers personally and profoundly how sacrifice and love fit together so completely that they cannot be separated, like a rose with its thorns or a sunset with the darkness that envelops it. He learns in this remarkably singular yet sequential experience what he has likely been taught in books or told in words but could never understand until now. He learns Truth. He learns about real love, and in doing so he learns about God.
Paul Giroux said:
Lovely writing… Lovely witness…Lovely family.
I have 6 on earth and 4 in Heaven. Blended family, but that doesn’t
matter to God.
The 3 that were miscarried were all named…Veronica, Angela and
Genevieve. I’ve seen them in a powerful dream. I’m sure they
speak to me in the night. I’m sure they hover around me and I’m
sure they call me Daddy.
In the next life, I’ll take them through the universe and explore
just like I do with their youngest sister…Maria Theresa Gabrielle.
She’s a miracle baby…but aren’t they all.
God Bless you all
Paul
theresathomas said:
Paul,
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words, especially since replying here on WordPress can sometimes be a little harder than in other places . I think it is beautiful that you named your miscarried babies. We did too. I am sure that yours will throw their arms around you in heaven and I know you can’t wait to hear them call you ‘Daddy’! I think that bearing the cross of losing children keeps our hearts focused on the important things in life and our minds set in knowing that our true home is in heaven, all together, with God. Yes, they are all ‘miracle babies’ and it sounds like yours have a wonderful dad! God bless you, your wife and children and thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me~
Theresa
pattimagarm said:
You said it all, Theresa. So much goes into mothering and then they are on their own. Between parents and kids, the full depth of raising a family is not completely understood until it’s over.
theresathomas said:
You would definitely know, Patti with your beautiful family as well! Thank you for the comments~ Theresa
Dave said:
“If you have to, take anything from me, but please protect him and keep him safe.”
Theresa,
I have said this prayer myself hundreds of times. Family is treasure and everything else is just sandcastles.
theresathomas said:
Dave,
You said that perfectly! Family IS treasure. Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to give me encouragement!
Theresa
Maria said:
Theresa,
Thank you for your eloquent thoughts from a mother’s heart. I am 17 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and I can’t imagine loving this baby more than I do while it is growing inside me.
Your entry touched my heart, not just as a mother, but as a young woman and knowing from living in a beautiful family with amazing parents that a parent’s love is a paid forward, not backward. It is an amazing blessing to think that I am now in a place that I will be able to really repay my parents for all they have done for me and my family by how I love and do for my child. It is also boggling within itself how to comprehend then the magnitude of God’s love for each of us, if this is only earthly love.
I so appreciate you for sharing your heart with me!
theresathomas said:
Maria,
Do you know how happy this makes me to hear from you at this stage in your life? I so wish to be even just a little encouragement to young mothers in their vocations!! Motherhood is so enriching, so fulfilling, so hard, so wonderful! What a blessing that you came from a strong, loving family and that you can pass that legacy on to the next generation.
Even people who do not come from loving homes can choose to create loving homes, but you are definitely at an advantage having been modeled that unselfish behavior and sacrificial love. I’m sure you pray in thanksgiving for your parents every day- 🙂
I will be praying for you and your baby and husband this Lent. Enjoy every stage. Take one step at a time. Be relaxed and do not harbor worries. Our Father in heaven will watch over you! And thank you for taking the time to send me a note. Like most people, I love getting feedback~
Theresa
Tami said:
Theresa,
Wonderful words in writing as our oldest is 23 and making it on his own and our next son is 21 and a senior in college. I had to laugh at this;
” He doesn’t know why you stop your work and sit at the stool when he comes in and don’t resume until he is up and out the door again. He doesn’t see your struggle to hold your tongue in offering advice or direction unless asked, knowing he is capable now and not wanting to annoy.”
I find that when my boys are home I get nothing done around the house. All I want to do is visit and take it all in.
When our oldest graduated from college we went out for dinner and he had a surprise sitting at the table for dad and I. It was a photo of the 3 of us in his cap and gown and a Thank You card. He wrote some loving words of appreciation for all that we have done for him. I was in tears. That’s when I knew we had done it right and he was now the man I always knew he would be.
Luckily our son landed his career job 3 hours from us rather then the 18 hours he was in college. It’s a blessing knowing he is so much closer to home.
Your words are beautiful and I look forward in reading more of you blog.
Blessings~Tami
theresathomas said:
Tami,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read the post and to write me here.
“”I find that when my boys are home I get nothing done around the house. All I want to do is visit and take it all in.””
Yes!! 🙂
And wow, what a wonderful graduation ‘gift’ to you from your ! That touches my heart too- how absolutely beautiful. You certainly raised him well, Mom! What a blessing that your son is just three hours away. My grown sons are a bit farther away but I can see now that their graduation and moving out is not so much an ending as I viewed it before, but a beginning of a new era- and our relationship continues to grow. In a way I wish I could console my younger self- it will be all right! 😉
Thank you again for your kind words-
Theresa
helen holland said:
Beautiful Beyond Words! Many thanks. I would like my daughter to see this article but am new to computer and don’t know how. She just had her first baby a boy, DAVid her email is daniellehdevine@gmail.com
theresathomas said:
Hi Helen!
Thank you for the nice compliment! My first baby boy was named David too 🙂
To send this article to your daughter you can take the mouse and hover the cursor on the address bar up top (the one that says theresathomaswordpress.com/2012/01/23/reflection-of-god/ ) and left click to highlight, then right click, which will give you the option to copy the address. Then go to your email and in the body of it, right click again . You will see the option to paste. Click that. Send the email to your daughter’s address with a note and that should do it! 🙂
If you would like me to send it to her let me know and I’ll include a short note. God bless- Theresa
Nancy Carabio Belanger said:
I cried. Yes, yes, yes I did. Lovely post.
Pingback: Stories for the Homeschool Heart