I would like to introduce you to my new (second) book with co-author Patti Maguire Armstrong- BIG HEARTED: Inspiring Stories for Everyday Families. Inside the pages of BIG HEARTED, you will find uplifting, faith-filled amazing accounts of REAL families who experience God’s grace in their lives. You will read about strong sibling bonds between a brother and sister almost a generation apart, a woman who discovers what it means to be the most successful woman in the world, a large family who unexpectedly adopts two AIDs orphans and discovers surprises that await them, what it’s like to grow up in a family with 13 children, and how a young teenaged pregnancy helps a young couple make amazing choices that affect their lives forever….
I hope you will laugh. You might even cry. I bet you will relate-
I can hardly wait to share this book with you! It’s not quite ready yet, but the cover is above. Keep posted for details….
Like many parents do, when our children were very young, David and I would read the story of the Nutcracker to our children every year as Christmas drew near. The children loved hearing about the mysterious and magical Uncle Drosselmeyer bestowing a special gift on his goddaughter, Clara, and listening to an account of the magical land and dancing that occurred thereafter. When our children grew old enough, we took them to see a Nutcracker performance. The little girls loved it, dreaming of being big ballerinas on stage, dancing in the Land of Sweets.
The next step of course was to actually sign the girls up for dance class. This we did with much excitement and anticipation. We bought little leotards. Ballet slippers. Tutus just for fun, even though we didn’t need them. They practiced first position. Second, third, fourth, and fifth. They wondered when they would actually start ‘real’ dance combinations. Not soon enough, but soon enough, they did. And then they were off….
The girls, like many young dancers, worked their way through the ranks of class levels- creative movement , pre-ballet, then ballet I, II, III, IV. A highlight, of course, and every little ballerina’s dream, was obtaining pointe shoes and being asked to join the pre-professional company. As soon as the instructor said a girl was ready for pointe, the excited child would beg her mama to go to the Ballet Shop, a good half an hour from the house, right then to get them immediately. Pointe shoe fitting is not a quick task. Often it takes an hour or more to find just the right fit and just the right shoe. But this mama went. Happily. Such joy in watching the joy of her children!
The older girls completed Ballet V, VI and now find themselves in level VII. I daresay it’s been a whirlwind experience…over time. It happened so quickly and yet so slowly for them in their minds. One moment they were little mice, scampering about in the hot bright stage lights. Now, engulfed in pink tulle, they dance expertly, improving year by year. What stays the same is that their mother continues to shed little tears of joy, pride and happiness at watching their grace and beauty…and feeling very grateful that they can be a part of this universal every-girl’s dream experience.
Several years ago, the artistic director, in short supply of men willing to participate and round off the party scene, coaxed my husband (smart woman- she asked in front of his daughters) to dance and play the role of a party parent. She assured him it was mostly acting and little dancing, but in reality there were two dances for him to learn, and they were harder than they looked.
Ballet was so opposite of what David was used to- He was the football, basketball and golf-playing high school turned college scholarship athlete. An accomplished amateur golfer in the state Hall of Fame. He’s competitive. Macho. Not a fine arts guy. Not a- a- a dancer. Or was he?
Four begging daughters can be convincing and David figured he spent time at the studio waiting for them anyway so he, amidst pleaseDaddys of his daughters and the steady requests from the director, he finally acquiesced to join the ranks of dancing dads and was soon going to rehearsals. And then, he danced on stage. David graduated to ‘lead dad’ as ‘Clara’s father’ the following year for his stunning performance as supporting role dad. Just kidding. The other guy dropped out.
David’s coworkers teased him mercilessly, but he took it in good stride. He was a great sport, even when someone bought him a little pink Christmas ornament to hang: “Dance with your heart and a ballerina you will be”. David, my dancing lawyer, jokingly retorted to the fellow that dancing was surely a lot more fun than working in accounting. Touche.
When the girls were asked to perform in local venues the summer before the Nutcrackers, David would playfully ask, “Don’t they want the party dad to do his dance too?” and he’d break into his steps, jokingly. He grew a beard one year to look more convincing and Victorian age. He was having fun.
I loved it.
His daughters loved it too. They swirled around him as he learned his Dad part- something that changed slightly each year, and something that came surprisingly natural to him as a coordinated athlete. The girls teased their daddy with a quote they had seen: “If football were any harder it would be called….ballet.” High school football playing sons argued the counterpoint. The surprise twist is that Daddy divulged he had taken ballet in high school with members of the football team. It seems the coach required it, believing it improved timing, coordination and team cohesion. …don’t you just love life’s funny little twists and coincidences?
I loved seeing our daughters on stage with their father. I bought a ticket to every performance. I wiped tears from eyes as a real life father danced with “Clara’ one year who was his real life daughter. I laughed as he enlivened the performance by bringing his silly original antics to the stage and felt grateful when he combed the crowd with his eyes to try to find me and slyly gesture and wink.
After last year’s Nutcracker, there was a surprise twist to this dancing plot.
David asked me to join him.
That’s right. After years of chaperoning, dropping girls off to and picking them up from rehearsal, after behind-the-scenes bun-making and makeup applying and leotard mending and clapping and cheering, my husband suggested I relax, audition, and dance with him.
The thought had never occurred to me.
I said ‘yes’.
The director approved. I sighed relief. I secretly hoped I would be good enough. I feared I wouldn’t. I went to the Ballet Shop and bought ballet shoes, for me. I got a ballet bag. I got my own leotard. I got my own makeup. I got excited.
“Dance is the hidden language of the soul”
Dance rehearsals were like weekly then twice a week, then finally nightly date nights. We practiced in our family room sometimes, with the furniture pulled back. Our college kids came home and found us doing this one evening, shook their heads, smiling and left the room. What has gotten into our parents? I’m sure they were thinking.
At rehearsal, David held my hand. He coached me. He whispered funny things into my ears when he twirled me. I laughed. I think our performance as husband and wife was believable because, well, we are husband and wife. Dancing with my husband on stage was a blessing. We grew closer to each other. We grew closer to our daughters. I met some wonderful ‘party parents’ whom I otherwise would not have known. I learned makeup tips in the dressing room. I expanded my horizons and got out of my comfort zone. I had a blast.
Party scene ladies
Sadly, and tragically in yet another twist, my father-in-law died an hour before the first out of town Nutcracker performance. That day was so difficult. We loved him so much. It was confusing trying to figure out how to proceed in grief as my husband went from his father’s deathbed to the performance. Should we quit? Continue? No one but my husband at this late date knew his lead father part. Pulling four girls from the performance would mess up the dances for the other girls. And would pulling the girls from the performance really benefit them? No, we would proceed on stage.
And we did.
Nutcracker helped us get through this difficult time. The men in the performance literally surrounded my husband back stage upon hearing the news of his father’s death They spontaneously encircled him and prayed with and for him in the dressing room. Dancers as young as teens and as old as well into mid-life, hugged him and gave words of encouragement, proving that friendships with others of all ages can be built in short amounts of time, and there is no limit to human kindness and encouragement and strength during times of sorrow and suffering.
David had spent that morning with his dying father, and the afternoon planning his funeral in between two performances. I am amazed at how this all unfolded. Today, I look at my husband with new eyes of admiration and respect, as he fulfilled two obligations- one of grief and one of joy, simultaneously.
Yes, joy was mixed with sadness these Nutcracker performances of 2012. A beloved patriarch passed from this world. He was 88 and there was satisfaction in knowing he had a full and happy life and was surrounded by all five of his children as he went to the next world. Yet naturally we were grieved that his time on earth was finished. Our children also felt this conflicting stress. At a dress rehearsal before the final weekend of performances, just several days after my father-in-law’s death our 15 year old daughter, exhausted and grieved by the news of her grandfather, fell in the last number and injured her foot. She could not dance on pointe and did not dance in the last four performances. It was another huge disappointment. However, the blessing in that (we are always looking for blessings) is that she was able to take photographs of her sisters and encourage her fellow dancers. She commiserated with another injured dancer backstage and their friendship bond grew because of this. Through this experience, our girls were surrounded with their ballet friends, and while there were many tears shed, there was also a new determination to perform for ‘Gido’ (Grandpa) in honor of him.
Angela, our Angel
Our graceful Grace, rehearsing
Our daughters (Rachel far left and Grace fourth from left) with their very special ballet friends, who supported them during this difficult Nutcracker season. Cousin Bonita on the far right.
Nutcracker has brought us together as a family in many ways, from the very first Nutcracker the girls performed in to the Nutcracker their father joined them in, to this year as both David and I performed together with our girls while tragedy struck. Being together that difficult day and the days following kept us close and helped us cope. It reminded us that no matter what, we are family. And whether it is a dance on stage or the dance of life, we are there and will be there for one another, always. There is strength in our togetherness, in good and bad. In joy and in sorrow, shall we dance? Yes! Because this is life. And we are family.
After one of the performances, with three of our daughters
Visiting ‘Gido’ (‘Grandpa’ in Lebanese) just a short time before he fell ill.
(Photo credit: Diane Freeby Click her name for recent article on this)
Ann Manion (President Women’s Care Center), Dr. Janet Smith (founder) and Jeanne Thelen (an original counselor)
The establishment of the pro-life Women’s Care Center in South Bend, IN may at first glance seem like a simple, spontaneous response to a local abortion clinic. And indeed perhaps it was. However, like a small seed can grow into a large tree, the organization’s growth was huge, its evolution into multiple centers has proven to be providential, and its success across state lines has exceeded all expectations.
More than twenty five years ago, Janet Smith, then a professor at the University of Notre Dame, used to pray in front of the South Bend, IN abortion clinic in her spare time. She had a nagging thought, that ‘someone’ should open an alternative center, which would offer pro-life counseling for women who found themselves in crisis pregnancies. Eventually, she realized that she was the ‘someone’ and with donors’ help for financing, a little blue house, the new Women’s Care Center with life-affirming options, opened in April, 1984.
Shortly thereafter Ann Manion, a University of Notre Dame graduate, certified public accountant, and senior audit manager for PricewaterhouseCoopers, joined the board of directors at the Women’s Care Center. When Smith left Notre Dame for another teaching position she asked Manion to step in as chairman of the board. In due course Manion assumed the role of president/executive director. Under Manion’s leadership, the Women’s Care Center has grown from one to seventeen centers throughout northern Indiana, as well as Niles, Michigan and Columbus, Ohio, and Madison and Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
It’s been an unbelievable success. In St. Joseph County, IN, the venue of the first Women’s Care Center, the abortion rate has dropped 37% over the last ten years. In Marshall County, the venue of another WCC, the abortion rate has dropped by 30%, and in Elkhart County, by an astonishing 44% since the inception of its Center.
In 2008, the Center served 10,700 women who made more than 56,000 client visits to the centers. Center services include pregnancy and one-on-one goal counseling, parenting skills education classes, which are taught both in English and Spanish, and the Crib Club Incentive program, which provides cribs, car seats and other infant necessities to young mothers in need who meet certain criteria– attending parenting classes, for example. A conservative estimate of the number of diapers given away each year is 350,000.
Manion recalls joining the board simply because she was attracted to the mission. “I was young, newly married, professionally employed, and looking for something meaningful to do in my spare time,” she said.
In 1988 she decided to stay at home with her first baby, and this also enabled her to spend more time at the center. “(Working at) the (Women’s) Care Center provided a way for me to use my business skills to a very good end, and because I was a volunteer I …had the flexibility to be…with my children most of the time.”
Working 20 to 40 hours a week and never drawing a paycheck for her Care Center work, Manion didn’t anticipate the eventual scope and impact of her “hobby”.
“I think this (success) is because God had the plan and not us. We simply said “yes” to new opportunities as they came along, “she said. “And we are supported by some very generous individuals and families who truly become our partners in the mission. Without these (primarily Catholic) supporters, we would never be able to say ‘yes’ to so many new opportunities.”
As president, Manion oversees new initiatives and projects. She writes proposals, fundraising letters and newsletters, and she assists with the development effort. Manion also uses her accounting background to make sure there is enough money for payroll and bills, and she performs bookkeeping, as well as acknowledges donor gifts. Finally, she provides a sounding board for issues that come up from the counseling directors. The Center employs a full-time foundation director, Bobby Williams, whom Ann calls, drawing upon her accounting background, “an amazing asset”.
The Women’s Care Center has several unique features which distinguishes it from other pregnancy help centers and models. First, while the Center has explicitly Catholic roots it welcomes all clients regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof, and its workers strive to be loving and non-judgmental in approach.
“Nearly all of the centers I have encountered over the years are evangelical,” said Manion, “Also, our founder, Janet Smith, had the foresight to realize that women in crisis don’t want a sermon or a lecture but just someone to love them unconditionally. Many of the women we serve have never experienced this unconditional love and support before. This can be such a turning point for them…and is the reason why so many young women choose life.”
Another distinguishing feature of the Center is that it employs paid counselors. According to Manion, having paid professionals allows longer hours of operation and consistent follow-up with clients. “Paid professionals make it possible for us to be open full-time and not just when volunteers are available,” she said.
The final difference between the Women’s Care Center and many other pregnancy help centers across the country, according to Manion, is that proportionally the Women’s Care Center spends more of its budget on strategic facilities and signage than advertising. “We have found that centers which do best are those that are strategically located (near abortion clinics if possible), on busy streets and are highly visible and accessible. We also like bright, prominent, pretty landscaping and a homey environment. We do not seem to need a large advertising budget as the facilities themselves (and word of mouth) become a magnet for the women in need.”
The pleasant and welcoming appearance of one Care Center is something that Jessica H. knows about first-hand. She was a 19 year old student when she faced a crisis pregnancy and had plans to get an abortion.
“All my friends were telling me to get an abortion. I just wanted to stop by (WCC) and get another opinion,” she said. Jessica admits she was “scared to death” the day she visited a Fort Wayne, IN Women’s Care Center. “I was shaking. I was nervous. I was telling myself, ‘I don’t know why I’m doing this’,” she recalled.
She had been to the abortion clinic the day before, put $200 down for an abortion, and was treated rudely. Her fears melted, however, as she entered the Women’s Care Center.
“The (Women’s Care Center) building is cozy and nice. There were flowers, comfortable sofas, and nice décor. It just made me feel comfortable,” Jessica said. “They welcomed me in, were real friendly, “she continued, “They were the complete opposite of the abortion clinic (workers).”
The Care Center workers offered Jessica an ultrasound, which was ultimately what changed her mind about getting an abortion.
“They showed me there was a life in (me) when I thought there wasn’t,” she said, “They never once told me not to do it….They just shared their opinion…That’s what I needed. Someone positive to tell me it was going to be okay. “
Jessica stated she didn’t feel judged at all by Care Center personnel.
“The lady I worked with was in the same situation (that I was in) when she was 17, like 20 years ago, so she understood. I felt, for once, comfortable talking about this to someone.”
Jessica was touched by one particular generosity: Care Center workers were able to secure donations to replace the $200 she had put down on the abortion she never had.
Fr. Kevin Russeau, C.S.C. first volunteered at the Women’s Care Center when he was a seminarian in 1997. “I loved this work,” he said. He answered phones to direct women to the centers and did ‘intakes’, special questionnaires designed to identify what services a woman needs. Later he participated in outreach to the schools, doing abstinence training. He helped with a phone-a-thon and in opening the Elkhart, IN center. Today, Fr. Kevin still assists when needed. He recently led a prayerful gathering for counselors and works with post-abortive mothers who seek spiritual healing
Fr. Kevin believes that the most important aspect of the Women’s Care Center ministry is the way it treats each person with radical dignity. “(It) cares for (the women’s) health. We help them financially, and we educate them.” He continued, “It’s not enough to convince people that abortion is wrong. We must also help them through the process of choosing life and raising the child. The Women’s Care Center does this, and makes every effort to follow up with the women they see. “
In fact, Jessica and her son Mason still visit the Care Center frequently. After Mason’s birth, Jessica wanted to meet other young mom friends and the WCC workers helped her connect with other young moms. They also helped her make her bill payments, through donations from friends of the Center. Mostly Jessica visits now, however, because she views some of the workers simply as good friends.
Manion, who was named an Outstanding Notre Dame Alumnus in 2007 for her Care Center work, isn’t surprised by the multiple blessings that stem from this special pro-life work. She states that being involved with the Care Center has brought numerous blessings to her own family.
“It has deepened my faith, and that of my children,” she said, “They are all strongly pro-life, pro-abstinence and faith-filled. In fact, my college daughter Mary (who first started visiting the center as a baby with her mom) is training as a counselor on a volunteer basis.”
The future for the Women’s Care Centers is indeed very bright; however Manion states that it is no longer feasible simply to continue to add centers in new communities. “Both from a structural and funding standpoint,” she said, “(adding centers) would be unworkable. We are however, looking at a franchising model, whereby we can help start enters that will be managed and sustained by the local community. Over the next five years we hope to write a book, create a training manual, offer free training programs and provide start-up funds for (new) centers. If the funds present themselves, we will do it. “
Below are photographs of various cozyWomen’s Care Center outreach centers- in Columbus, OH, Mishawaka, IN, and Niles, MI, all from WCC websites.
This was designed for homeschooling needs, but it is easy to see how a non-homeschooling mother could find it extremely helpful in planning children’s activities, out-of-school lessons (virtue training?), keeping track of sports activities and more, all while living richly the Liturgical year-
Hereis the link to download.And here is the link about the children in the orphanage.j
This year I celebrate 26 years of marriage with my awesome husband, David. I wrote this last year in my column for Today’s Catholic News in honor of the occasion. It still fits and I wanted to share-
The night before David’s and my wedding, there was a big storm. Winds ripped through the area and blew out the electricity. As my mom was scurrying around, trying to get my younger siblings dressed in the dark, considering whether the food in the refrigerator would spoil and worrying about whether the church lights would also be out for the rehearsal, I just wanted my blow dryer and hoped the curling iron, which had been sitting on the bathroom counter, would still be hot enough to curl my hair. I know. Shallow.
After the rehearsal (lights were on in the church — thank you God), which went rather well, we headed off for dinner. Oh, but the place cards for the dinner after the wedding the next day were not finished yet, so after the rehearsal dinner David, mother and I sat down to finish figuring out where everyone would sit the next day. Personally I did not care, and David did not either, but we still threw ourselves into the task, which seemed important to my mom. God bless my dear fiancé who, finally around midnight, told me to go home and that he would stay with my mother and get the place cards done. I guess he knew me well enough to realize I’d be grumpy without sleep and who wants a grumpy bride? Either that or the poor guy looked at me and thought to himself, “This girl needs some beauty rest.” At the time I didn’t think of it, but there was also the distinct possibility he was just being thoughtful.
The next day, an Indian summer produced, in the end of September, humidity and record heat, with the thermometer approaching 90 degrees. I wouldn’t have minded but that my dress was a heavy, satin gown with long sleeves. My dad forgot to put his arm out for me as we walked down the aisle at the entrance hymn, and consequently, videos of the event make me look like I’m clutching him in fear. I suppose it didn’t help either that I was crying my eyes out. I shouldn’t have chosen the dramatic music for the entrance. Poor David. He probably wondered if I was having second thoughts.
I wasn’t having second thoughts, but I was engrossed in thinking about the serious nature of the event. Although somewhat immature and naïve, I did fully understand the commitment David and I were about to undertake, and felt overwhelmed by the beauty and solemnity of the sacrament we were going to receive. Our first date six years prior and many dates since then as well as memories of fun and friendship melted away. I remember thinking, as I walked down the aisle, “I hope he realizes I’m giving him my life.” In retrospect, I know he did.
This year, David and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I look back and think what a forerunner that the day before the wedding and the wedding day itself were of our entire marriage. Our married life has been full of many surprises — storms when least expected, sudden and immediate demands, inconveniences, compromises to people who are important to us, things forgotten, weird emotional responses and sudden realizations. Our marriage has also, like many marriages, been filled with great joy, sometimes, unexpected, take-your-breath-away pure delight. My husband is still my best friend. In this imperfect world, with our imperfect selves, we still stick together.
The secret of a long, happy marriage, as most long-married couples know, is to simply keep moving forward with grace and in God’s care. The happy and sad, challenging and fun events of life serve as glue to the marriage, as do the gift of children, fortify a couple over many years. The secret is that there is no secret. There is simply commitment and a lot of hard work, rolling with the punches, accepting the joy with gratitude, and most importantly, relying on God through everything.
In looking back, I see many weaknesses in my 23-year-old self who married her husband in the fall of 1986. Thank God that He did not require perfection before marriage or I’d be not following my vocation — although well rested and with perfectly curled hair — right now. God takes us where we are. He bestows many graces and forms us in His image, gradually and suddenly, even more than we can imagine when we first say, “I do.” If couples can offer a willing heart and a humble disposition, if they frequent the sacraments and call upon God’s help, they can, despite their own imperfections, despite many twists and turns, challenges and unexpected events, easily find themselves joyfully celebrating marriage for 25 years … and beyond. What a gift. What a God.
I love my kids. I love their friends. Heck, I love the vitality of all young people- they are so full of enthusiasm, depth and promise, strength and hope. Because of this, I love to share about and support up-and-coming talent, whether it be in the writing, music or other genres of creativity. Here is the cover of a Casting Crowns song “East to West” that I think you’ll like, by a talented young man named Jared Keim.
Music is my life and my biggest passion! I have played guitar for 8 years, sang most of my life, drums here and there for about 4 years, and I’m currently teaching myself piano. Everyday i try 2 learn somethin new and try 2 challenge myself more and more. I give the thanks to God for the talents that I have. I have a great family that supports me in everything I do…..well…..most everything! Haha! But yea if you just want drama, stay away, cuz I dont like drama and dont like the people who cause it! Im a fun loving guy and i do whatever i can to get a smile. I want to be remembered for the passion I have for God and music. I want people to be able to think about me and smile knowing that if i was around, I would be making them smile 🙂
We all have them in our lives-people we don’t like. People who rub us the wrong way, who push our buttons, and sometimes more seriously, people who truly are dangerous to our mental or physical health. What should we do?
Annette cringed running into Mrs. B in the grocery store, which happened nearly every week. The older woman always pried into Annette’s business and asked questions that made her feel uncomfortable. “ Oh my, you’re pregnant AGAIN?” Mrs. B would say with a feigned gasp, as though she didn’t expect it from the faithfully Catholic mother of five little ones already. “Yes, Mrs. B., we talked about that last week, “ Annette would reply, “Tom and I are thrilled. Remember?” Then Mrs. B would talk on and on about her own grown children, sprinkling sentences with “in my day” and “I never”. With an earful of talk about the old days of impeccably ironed bed sheets, children that were seen and not heard, perfect home-cooked meals, and how “this generation” doesn’t do it right, Annette felt her shoulders droop. She excused herself because the ice cream in her cart was dripping. And, frankly, so was her spirit.
Mark couldn’t stand the new guy at work. He was younger than Mark and less qualified for his position but the new guy bragged on an on about his accomplishments and liked to tell everyone how it is and what to do. Mark found himself closing himself off in his own office whenever the new guy came around. Secretly, he stewed and felt resentment rising against him.
Amy’s mother in law criticized her constantly. Bill’s neighbor took verbal jabs.
What’s the Christ-like response to these kinds of difficult people?
Jesus tells his followers to forgive 70 times seven (Matthew 18:21-23) but how?
St. Therese wanted to obey Jesus’ commandment to love one’s enemies. She shared that in Carmel, there are no enemies, but there were some annoying people to her. Think of that- People can even annoy saints! There were some nuns whom St. Therese did not like but Therese set about going out of her way to treat them lovingly just as Christ would. This should be our response to the difficult people in our lives-simply to treat those people with love, regardless of our feelings.
“But the Our Father prays ‘lead us not into temptation’ and this person is a huge temptation for me!” you may say. And indeed that very well may be true. God doesn’t ask us to seek out difficult people just treat them with kindness and patience when we do come in contact with them.
Do you have difficulty forgiving an offense? Picture the difficult person as a baby, untainted, needy, innocent. Now imagine some injustice being perpetrated on the child, because likely that is what has happened that has made him difficult. Perhaps he was ignored, neglected, abused or ridiculed by someone who was supposed to love him. You’ve heard the old adage “Hurt (adjective) people hurt (verb) people”? Well, there is much truth to that. Before this difficult person hurt you, he was likely hurt by someone else. This does not excuse his sin, of course, but if you view the person as God created him, an innocent soul before he was swayed by sin, it is easier to forgive.
Once we have forgiven should we forget? Yes, and no. Yes, we should not dwell upon the offenses against us. We should pray for and wish the best for even those who do evil to us. However, we should not feel compelled to put ourselves in a situation where we ‘forget’ the offense occurred and thus can seriously be hurt again. If someone has mentally or physically abused or hurt our children, our spouse or us, for example, it is not only okay to avoid that person but it is imperative that we do so. In some circumstances we absolutely must maintain the smart reaction of keeping a safe distance. Recognizing this nuance is important.
What about forgiving when the perpetrator is not penitent? Kindness should be offered, but again, no risks taken.
When thinking about dealing with difficult people, it helps to categorize them into two groups- those who are harmless and those who are dangerous. Dangerous people should clearly be avoided, but what about harmless ones? They can be some of the most annoying.
Harmless, difficult people are like Mrs. B in the example above. She probably does not mean to come off as judgmental or critical. She likely is lonely and wants to offer her ideas to feel that she (or her opinion) is valued She might be pining for her younger years.
Handling harmless, annoying people like Mrs. B is not hard. When contact is unavoidable, approach them rather than wait to be approached. Ask their opinion before they offer it. Validate them with a sincere compliment. Be firm in your boundaries and don’t feel badly about leaving when you need to do so. Don’t dwell on what annoys you about them. Brush off the annoyance by chalking it up to the differences in personalities that God has created and leave judgment of them to Him. Decide not to do to others what’s been done to you and you don’t like. Realize that you probably come off as annoying to others at some point too.
What about the know-it-all, younger co-worker? He is also probably harmless. The same strategy applies with him. Work is a competitive situation, and total avoidance generally doesn’t work in the office. The best way to handle the know-it-alls at work is to keep things professional. Pour your energy into your work and outshine him in that way. On a personal level be friendly and sincerely warm. Be Christ-like and kind. You don’t have to socialize beyond your working hours. View the challenge as a motivating factor to perform better. And retreating to your cubicle when you just can’t take his pontificating any more is much more desirable than making a snarky remark, so yes, you still do have that option.
What if the difficult person is family, a harshly critical in-law or sibling?
Similar strategies can be applied: Listen, smile, be kind, and excuse.
Listen to what the person is saying, not just the words but also his tone and the body language. Is he frustrated? Does he simply want validation of his own skills or value? Sometimes just listening softens people. It also helps you develop patience.
Smile. Smile because smiles generally disarm people’s meanness and anger. Smiles demonstrate confidence. They show empathy. Smiling also helps you develop a joyful spirit.
Be kind. Be kind because you are a Catholic Christian and the difficult person standing in front of you is also one of God’s Divine creations. Jesus also died for the salvation of this difficult person and out of respect for that, you must be kind. Being kind helps you develop feeling kind. Think about it.
Excuse. Excuse the behavior by thinking of the most empathetic reason she could have said or done what she said or did. She might have a headache. She might have just learned her husband lost his job. She might have gotten a traffic ticket for speeding. She might have had no sleep the previous night. Give difficult people the same kind of justification you would like for yourself when you have said or done something annoying or stupid.
After listening, smiling, being kind and mentally excusing the behavior of a difficult person, sometimes you just have to turn away. God does not ask us to be human punching bags or ‘take’ mean or frustrating behavior. You value yourself and that’s good. You have dignity and we all have our boiling points. Sometimes you simply must utter a quick prayer and walk away from difficult people, and if done while truly trying to do God’s will and exude God’s love, there is nothing wrong with that.
But to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you
I was continuing an interview yesterday for my next book, talking to an amazing young mother who has endured so much- she was raped at age five, almost died giving birth to her firstborn child, and the child, because of a strange and unique set of circumstances, was born severely handicapped, a handicap she deals with every single day of her life. This mother could have only seen darkness, but she chooses life and love. Every day, she wakes up and chooses not to wallow but to embrace JOY!
This is not to say she ignores or downplays the seriousness and crushing effects of the challenges and tragedies she has experienced. This is to say that despite those, she knows there is a loving God who is leading her. She sees this love reflected in the darkness through her husband, through her children, and through every day beauty in ordinary life.
“I thought that if I was good and lived according to God’s ‘rules’ I would have a perfect life the way I wanted. That does not happen. There is evil and tragedy in this fallen world. It is not God’s doing. He doesn’t will evil or sorrow. That comes from the fallen nature of mankind. But we are made for more than just this world. While I am here, I choose love and I choose life.”
“I choose love and I choose life.”
These are powerful words.
What painful memories, what sorrows, what dire circumstances, what demons are you challenged with today? Do you choose love and life?
We all know the domino effect. We naturally tend to pass along what has been passed along to us. But we don’t have to live this way. By deliberating controlling our own attitude, by deliberately channeling our thinking in a positive and faith-filled direction, we can find happiness and joy in life’s most difficult situations.
Some events in our lives are so traumatic that we should seek outside medical help (dealing with depression or an assault such as rape), group support (dealing with a loved one who has an addiction or disease), and spiritual guidance such as a trusted priest and confessor (learning to forgive and also keep a cautious distance between ourselves and those who inflict pain in our lives). In addition to that, we can make a conscious decision to reject being a slave to our circumstances, to let go and to choose life and love.
Some events in our lives are not nearly so stinging as the serious traumatic ones, yet they can still rob our lives of joy. Perhaps we are dealing with a passive/aggressive in-law . Maybe we are coping with an ill-tempered boss. It could be that our own child, whom we love with all our heart, is challenging us with his behavior. These lesser events still have the possibility of robbing us of our full potential and the joy and love we can experience and reflect to others in our lives.
As a Catholic, I find that going to Confession regularly helps to keep me on the right spiritual track, and helps me focus on goodness and the blessings in my life. Other strategies to avoid being sucked into negativity and despair when confronting difficult circumstances can include:
–Praying daily
–Living ‘in the moment’ (also known as not dwelling on the past)
–Making a conscious effort to think of and count blessings (Look at the good in front of you- start with your children and spouse)
–Choosing to forgive those who have hurt you in the past (This is not the same as forgetting as in allowing them close enough to you to hurt you again. Once burned, shame on you. Twice burned, shame on me. It is possible to forgive and yet maintain a safe distance from people who continue to be destructive.)
–Tackling the task in front of you and pushing worry about the past and future into the back of your mind.
–Surrounding yourself with positive people. Our environments make a huge difference in our attitudes. To some extent we are all chameleons, of a sort. We absorb from those around us. “He who touches pitch blackens his hand.” (Sirach13:1)
–Exercising daily to reduce stress
–Making time for enjoyable activities with those you love. Put people before things. Be responsible and do your daily duties, yes, but don’t let your responsibilities squeeze out simple pleasures such as a walk with your spouse or throwing the ball with your toddler.
Hopefully, soon you will be able to read all about this inspiring young mother in my new book with Patti Maguire Armstrong. In the meantime, I hope it will be helpful to employ the strategies mentioned here to live today in joy and happiness. I hope that you too will choose life and choose love!
Many blessings-
Theresa
Join our Big Hearted Families page on Facebook here.
It’s a beautiful crisp morning here in Indiana. The air is cool. The sun is promising a day full of hope.
What is troubling your heart today? Perhaps it is a relationship that needs mending. Your young child challenges your patience and yourself. Your adult child has strayed. Your spouse seems distant. Your parent is aging and you are worried. You have unfulfilled dreams. You are afraid for the future.
You are not alone. God has counted every hair on your head. You are precious and special to the Creator of the universe. He made you out of love so you can share happiness in heaven someday with Him. In the meantime, there are the struggles and details of this life with which to contend- laundry to do, a home to clean, perhaps unpleasant people to deal with… Please have hope. Trust in the One who made you and who will care for you. Go about your daily struggles with trust and patience.
Look at the beauty around you and know that God loves you, intimately, personally. Never despair. You may not get everything that you want (that would be heaven) but you will get what you need.
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
(Matthew 6:25-27)
May God richly bless you with a beautiful week. I hope you find His fingerprints everywhere as you work, pray, play and love.
Peace.
Theresa
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (Proverbs 3:5,6)
She came home in tears, my little ballerina. She wanted the part of Clara in the dance theater production of The Nutcracker. So did about 37 other girls. Only one got the part of course, and that year it was not my daughter.
I don’t normally throw celebrity quotes at my children. Because, well, normally I don’t see most celebrities as particularly wise. However there is one quote that seemed very appropriate for the moment, and which popped in my brain right then. It had been spoken by comedian/actor Steve Martin, of all people. I had happened upon an interview of him and heard the reporter ask what was his formula for success. He had replied with the quote that came to my mind that evening:
“Be so good they can’t ignore you.”
I repeated it to my daughter that night she came home in tears.
“There, there,” I soothed, hugging her and running my fingers through her hair, “you are a beautiful dancer and you keep practicing hard.”
Then I said it.
“You’ll just have to be so good that they can’t ignore you.”
Her eyes searched mine.
I explained, “You must be so good that they feel they feel compelled to cast you as Clara. Do you understand? You must try so hard and improve so much that they feel they absolutely must put you in the role. You must excel not just at the audition but every day in class. They must see you willing to work hard. They must see you with a smile on your face and a determined attitude. You must execute the combinations with precision and grace. You must decide to have and maintain a happy spirit. You can’t compare yourself with others and should focus solely on trying your best.”
“It won’t be quick and it won’t be easy,” I continued, “and it will take perseverance and of course there are no guarantees, but the only option here is to work so hard and do so well that they feel they simply must cast you. You must be so good that they are drawn to that.”
She nodded slowly, seeming to take it all in. Then I hugged her.
Little Grace did work hard. Every time she became discouraged, I reminded her with a wink, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” It got to the point that I would just begin to hear her start complaining out of frustration and I’d say, “Grace…” and she’d finish the sentence, “I know…be so good they can’t ignore you.” In the beginning she would roll her eyes at that comment. Months later, she would smile. Pretty soon she stopped complaining altogether and simply pressed on.
Grace prayed every night that she would be good enough to be cast the part of Clara (if it was God’s will of course) and every day she would practice as hard as her young body could. Weeks passed. Months. I watched Grace improve, not just physically in the execution of the particular ballet combinations, but in her attitude and outlook. She was genuinely happier with a more positive spirit. Her attitude towards schoolwork even improved. I kept thinking that no matter what happened a lot of good was coming out of this challenge.
Secretly, I struggled a bit, though. I knew it was good to encourage Grace to do her best, but should she really bepraying for this less than hugely significant intention? Surely God willed every little girl to have the happiness of being center stage. Why should I think mine was more deserving than others?
Ultimately I concluded that the experience was training Grace to work hard and simply trust God to determine the outcome. It was fine for her to pray for this intention, which was so dear to her little heart. Opening her heart to God on the matter would help her learn to trust God with all of her concerns. Whether she earned the part or not was not important. If she won I would help her accept with gratitude and humility. If she lost, I would help her with good sportsmanship, acceptance and resignation.
Fast forward to the happy outcome. Grace was cast in the part of Clara the following year. She squealed at the announcement. We gave each other high fives. She was nothing short of ecstatic. Thank you, God, I prayed that night, for this little blessing for my girl.
Not everything will unfold to be her desired outcome, but in this case it did, and for that I’m grateful. I’m happy too to discover that even little girls are not too small to learn certain important truths about trying hard and trusting.
Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. (St. Augustine)
Read other articles on Integrated Catholic Life by clicking on my name, Theresa Thomas, after clicking on this link.