Happily married women share certain characteristics. This list of secrets of the happily married woman is gleaned from anecdotal research gathered over a period of 27 years. Some women may have one child. Others may have three or four. Still others have ten or more. All find happiness in marriage following similar suggestions. These are in no particular order, and it goes without saying that prayer for one’s spouse is the best way to start. Enjoy and apply if you too wish to be happily married:
1-Happily married women exercise
Whether it’s bicycling with the children, working out to a fitness video, or taking a class, happily married women exercise. They know it provides better energy, better fitness, better health, better sex, better self-image, and makes them better able to accomplish their goals. They also know that example is a great motivator and that husbands (and children) are more likely to exercise and stay fit if wives (and mothers) do.
2-Happily married women eat well.
Eating well keeps a healthy weight in check and hormones (thus moods) in balance. It also staves off illness and disease and helps keep a radiant and youthful complexion. Happily married women carefully shop and plan for nutritious meals. They know a good outcome is dependent on a good input. They nourish their bodies and the bodies of their families by cooking healthy, nutritious meals and limiting unhealthy treats. They keep chemicals out of the mix, trying to provide as ‘clean’ of food as possible. They eat to live, not live to eat. Happily married women make mealtimes enjoyable and pleasant.
3-Happily married women take care of their appearance
They keep their hair clean and styled and their nails neat. They exercise (see #1) and take care of their bodies. They enjoy selecting attractive clothes and the proper use of cosmetics, while being prudent so as not to slip into vanity or materialism. Happily married women are secure in and enjoy choosing what they like to wear at the store, considering the family’s budget, and they enjoy following the cues of what their husbands like them to wear, not because they are subservient to them, but because they enjoy pleasing the men they love.
4-Happily married women nurture their intellect.
They are smart ladies (sometimes with only a high school education but with an openness for continual learning, but often with advanced degrees) who stay current with events and ideas. They are logical and rational, and develop well formulated opinions that are not thrust upon others but are offered in sweetness even while firmly when the occasion arises. They read and think. They discuss important issues with their husbands and others. They are life long learners. They offer their ideas to their husbands, and when they disagree, they do so respectfully. Happily married women apply their best knowledge and wisdom to their homes and families.
5-Happily married women have a softness and compassion about them
They are kind, empathetic and understanding. They listen. They do not allow their emotions to get out of control. They do not resort to insults, sarcasm and jabs. If they make mistakes in this regard, they are quick to admit it. They are nurturing and caring. A husband of a happily married woman comes to her for her opinions because she is not only smart, but her demeanor welcomes the man and makes him comfortable to express himself truly and be received without harsh judgment. A happily married woman’s suggestions to her husband (or corrections to her children) are given in warmth and assume a right intention. She knows the woman is the ‘heart’ of the home. She is the nurturer of relationships, a balm, an oasis of peace for herself and others. She looks for the good in her family, and usually thus finds it.
6-Happily married women have manners.
They are polite and courteous to their husbands, children, clerks at the grocery store, mail carriers, and all others they meet daily.
7-Happily married women encourage their husbands to spend time with their male friends
They know that this helps a man recharge. They know male friendships are important to him, just as female friendships are important to her. When the couple spends time apart with like gendered friends, they come back together refreshed and renewed in their relationship, with more to share and enjoy. Happily married women know their husbands appreciate their support and this makes them treasured in the husbands’ eyes.
8-Happily married women greet their husbands with a smile, eye contact and a hug at the end of each day
If they both work outside the home, a happily married woman does not wait for her husband to greet her but thinks of him and greets him first. Stay-at-home mothers drop what they are doing to provide a warm welcome to the men who have vowed to provide and protect and love them and their children for the rest of their lives. They know this is just a small gesture that can buoy husbands up and keep them happy, encouraged, and renewed in faithfulness toward them and the children. They happily allow husbands some private time to unwind before joining the family. They know that just fifteen minutes of their husbands relaxing after coming home from work mean the husbands will be attuned to the family for the rest of the night.
Sometimes, happily married women even set up foot baths or fill up the tub for their husbands for them to enjoy when they come home. They ignore people who tell them this is old-fashioned and outdated advice. While the divorce rate climbs yearly, happily married women know they will never be part of those statistics because they love to love. The critics may criticize and naysayers abound, but happily married women continue to love their husbands and children unselfishly. They are not going to let a women’s movement or other people’s opinions interfere with their family’s happiness. They are wiser and know better.
9-Happily married women have a sense of humor
They find fun in living, humor in difficult situations. They smile. They laugh. They cultivate a general light-heartedness which becomes infectious in the family.
10- Happily married women have high expectations.
They expect the best of themselves and their husbands. They are firm in upholding high morals and character. They take time to rest. They respect themselves. They cultivate meaningful interests. They give all and expect to be treasured and treated like ladies. And they usually are.
11-Happily married women anticipate their husbands’ needs.
They know that a man needs not only love and respect, but admiration and approval. And happily married women are not stingy in this regard. Using their knowledge of their shared experiences together, happily married women anticipate what their husbands need and want (just as they do for their wives) and these women enjoy providing those things to their husbands.
Happily married women know the importance of an active and imaginative sex life: that it is not only fun and relaxing, but releases stress, and bonds the couple psychologically and emotionally. Making love is a vitamin for the marriage, and the happily married woman knows this and welcomes intimate time with her husband.
12-Happily married women have a servant’s heart
They put their families first, but they also find time to mentor younger women. They find joy in sharing what they know. They give to others with joy, as time and resources permit, but they realize their priority is their own families. They incorporate the works of mercy into their daily lives, starting first with their own families. They do not keep score as to who has done what for whom. They embrace their work and vocation with joy. They see their husbands as best friends and helpmates, and frequently put themselves in his shoes to understand his points of view. They tenderly care for the home and children, realizing that to love and be loved is the greatest reward of all.
Men who would like to contribute their thoughts as to what are the secrets to happily married MEN, please write me at TheresaThomasEverydayCatholic at Gmail dot com
Thank you!
Theresa Thomas 
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That was so awesome to read! I agree with all of it hands down! I love my hubby and our marriage contains all of the above. Can you write one for a happily married man, please?
Thank you!! Many of these apply to happily married men too- I’ll see about writing one specifically for husbands in the future. Thank you for reading, and commenting!
Theresa
Great post …I think I have some work to do!
Thank you, and ….. we all do! 🙂 Theresa
Love it! I’ve been accused of putting my husband first, as if it marked me as some kind of servant. My response? Thank you!
Thank you, Jackie. Me too! 🙂
Theresa
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So, who wouldn’t benefit from exercise, eating properly, having good manners, and being tactful? This is a human list, not a gendered one. By restricting your list to women, you imply that men can be lazy, bitter, and harsh to their families because they’re male and therefore Different.
That was your inference, not my implication, Karen.
And yes of course some of these qualities are applicable to happily married men too, but that is not the topic of this article. 🙂
God bless-
Most men are.
Most men are…. Unfortunately…
Not sure what you mean by this?
I really appreciated this post and am going to work on the areas mentioned. The only thing I would add to the list is a prayer life because sometimes it is hard to love!
Thank you, Kathleen! I added prayer in the preface to reflect its absolute importance. Sometimes the most obvious is right in front of your nose and you just assume it without mentioning. That’s what happened here. Thank you for adding this comment so I could put prayer right where it belongs- up on top!
God bless, Theresa
As a woman who is engaged to be married this was important to read. I would recommend this for all women who plan to be married to read. I also agree with comment below- the need for prayer not only private prayer as a wife but also together as a family and as a couple- the family and spouses who pray together, stay together.
Thank you, Judy, for reading, and for commenting! God bless-
Theresa
AMEN! To Kathleen.
Very one sided. Happily married women are treated well by their men so they have the ability to function, flourish, grow be happily married. So where is the flipside, what makes an unhappily married woman? As if she had the sols ability to be so.
The focus of this article was happily married women. 🙂 My aim is to help mentor young wives and mothers because that is my experience and where I can be most useful. Perhaps I will write another article with a different topic, such as happily married men. Most of the points are also applicable to them.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Theresa 🙂
Here you go: https://theresathomas.wordpress.com/2014/02/07/a-week-of-married-love/
happily married women pray first, that should be number one not exercise. if we dont start everything we do first with prayer we will not be happily married.
Jennifer, you are absolutely right, and I corrected my preface to reflect that. The list is not in any particular order after that. Thank you for writing.
Theresa
“Happily Married” can be replaced in every entry by ” Real Women” and thereby become our instructions to be true helpers to the Blessed Virgin to renew the ‘face of the earth’ by changing our culture, one woman at a time.
God Bless!
Yes, indeed. Thank you for writing.
Quite honestly, I chuckle at this post. I find it somewhat trite but thought provoking. When I was younger much of what you state applied especially with exercise. AS we get older priorities change and all these items can change and move about in priority. I would state that prayer life is the number one item that keeps a women happy and a marriage fulfilling. In Peter’s gospel , he stresses the importance of asking blessings upon other, in order to receive blessings. To actively pray for our spouse to be blessed is in my mind the #1 reason for always seeing our spouse as someone to love. Illness can happen and the physical prowess of couples changes. Special needs children can alter how one is able to have independent time. But what makes a happy marriage is how a couple continue to talk, treat and care for each other over the years as we age and change and even develop different interests over time. Your thoughts on being Kind is spot on!!! There is NO other trait that will keep one happy when we first look around us and seek to find out what someone else needs. Over all your ideas were helpful.
Kris, you hit it spot on. With a disabled child, and now taking care of my bedridden paralyzed father, time is very in demand. Unfortunately, exercise gets squeezed in “sometimes” and nails are definitely not manicured. My marriage is happy and joyful beyond measure, and I actually credit an intense prayer life for that. Good job on keeping it “real”. Anna
H Kris- thanks for writing.
Yes! Prayer is absolutely the most important- please re-read the first paragraph where I wrote just that! 😉
You are absolutely right that illness can happen “and the physical prowess of couples change.” I understand this very well as I am a cancer survivor myself. (You can read about that here if you like: http://www.myyearoffaith.com/2013/09/19/the-difficult-choice-2/
I appreciate your comments and agree that kindness and love are critical components to a happy marriage.
Theresa
Reblogged this on oneintheirhearts.
Thank you!!!
🙂
Theresa
To quote Elizabeth Bennett, “I rather wonder at your knowing any “(of such women). Personally, I know many lovely Catholic, happily married women, but none that hit all of these marks.
We all have work to do, Lisa. No one embodies these suggestions perfectly 🙂 They are gleaned from conversations and observations over many many years from many happily married women. Just a nice list to strive for- very few do all things well, but I will continue to strive to be my best- as I know many of my friends will too- thank you for writing and for taking the time to comment.
Theresa
I consider myself to be happily married 16 years but I dont agree with everything on your list. I never excercise. Maybe I should but I am petite and so was my mother and grandmother who were also happily married. Neither of themhad a highschool education or neatly manicured nails for that matter too. 🙂 What I do though is pray for my marriage every day.
Amanda, praying is of utmost importance so that’s wonderful! 🙂 Exercising doesn’t need to be formal, but it’s important to take care of our bodies every day by stretching them and using them. For some, exercise is vigorously scrubbing the kitchen floor, climbing stairs and chasing toddlers. Others find aerobics, jogging, strength training or exercising to videos to be helpful. The important thing is to take care of our bodies by keeping them in shape so we can fulfill our mission in life and take care of our families best! Also, please re-read the article- I said ‘neat nails’ not manicured ones. I love getting a manicure once in awhile but most of the time, mine are au natural. However, they are always neat. 🙂 Neatness is always important while manicured is a wonderful luxury, but not imperative.
God bless-
Theresa
Theresa, I have never ever heard the Blessed Mother speak in any messages from any approved apparition site about clean hair, styled and neat nails. I wonder how well groomed she looked after riding on a donkey to visit and help her cousin Elizabeth and also after her journey on a donkey to give birth to our Lord Jesus. In fact I honestly don’t think Jesus and Mary care how well groomed we are as long as we respect our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit and that our intentions and our souls are” clean and neat.” I appreciate your effort and your advice, however I believe some of these tips were superficial. As for myself I’ ll stick to the beauty tips of Our Blessed Mother Mary and Mother Theresa. It is called love. They are beautiful because they LOVE and they EXERCISE that in how they treated others.. As far as fashion, The Golden Rule looks good on everyone. One size fits all. Sadly, I have often seen some of the kindest women disrespected by their husbands , especially behind their backs. Betraying their trust, sharing secrets, checking out other women etc.. Perhaps they are punishing their wives for the mothers that they had ? You sure seem like one in a million Theresa.
God Bless You .
Hi Anna Marie,
Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment!
Clean hair is very simply taking care of the bodies God gave us. 🙂 I did not write that “styled” nails are important – (see above). Having neat appearance is important because God did create order and order is beautiful and good! I did not say anyone has to have painted nails or a manicure, although when done not to excess, I believe those can enhance a woman’s beauty and does not in any way take away from goodness or holiness. It can help enhance her attractiveness to her husband. Well groomed means treating our bodies with dignity and respect, and part of that is keeping clean and well kept. There is nothing superficial about that.
The blessed Mother, Mother Teresa and all good and holy women are beautiful because they love, and the aim of my article was to help women understand how to put their husbands and families first and to love them.
“The Golden Rule looks good on everyone.” I agree! But a woman does not have to choose EITHER living the Golden Rule OR dressing attractively. Consider the words of good St. Francis de Sales in his “Introduction to the Devout Life”: ( Chapter XXV “On Modesty in Dress”)
“……
As to cleanliness, that should be uniform, and we should never, if possible, let any part of our dress be soiled or stained. External seemliness is a sort of indication of inward good order, and God requires those who minister at His Altar, or minister in holy things, to be attentive in respect of personal cleanliness. As to the quality and fashion of clothes, modesty in these points must depend upon various circumstances, age, season, condition, the society we move in, and the special occasion. Most people dress better on a high festival than at other times; in Lent, or other penitential seasons, they lay aside all gay apparel; at a wedding they wear wedding garments, at a funeral, mourning garb; and at a king’s court the dress which would be unsuitable at home is suitable. A wife may
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and should adorn herself according to her husband’s wishes when he is present;—if she does as much in his absence one is disposed to ask in whose eyes she seeks to shine? We may grant somewhat greater latitude to maidens, who may lawfully desire to attract many, although only with the view of ultimately winning one in holy matrimony. Neither do I blame such widows as purpose to marry again for adorning themselves, provided they keep within such limits as are seemly for those who are at the head of a family, and who have gone through the sobering sorrows of widowhood. But for those who are widows indeed, in heart as well as outwardly, humility, modesty and devotion are the only suitable ornaments. If they seek to attract men’s admiration they are not widows indeed, and if they have no such intention, why should they wear its tokens? Those who do not mean to entertain guests should take down their signboard. So, again, every one laughs at old women who affect youthful graces,—such things are only tolerable in the young.
Always be neat, do not ever permit any disorder or untidiness about you. There is a certain disrespect to those with whom you mix in slovenly dress; but at the same time avoid all vanity, peculiarity, and fancifulness. As far as may be, keep to what is simple and unpretending—such dress is the best adornment of beauty and the best
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excuse for ugliness. S. Peter bids women not to be over particular in dressing their hair. Every one despises a man as effeminate who lowers himself by such things, and we count a vain woman as wanting in modesty, or at all events what she has becomes smothered among her trinkets and furbelows. They say that they mean no harm, but I should reply that the devil will contrive to get some harm out of it all. For my own part I should like my devout man or woman to be the best dressed person in the company, but the least fine or splendid, and adorned, as S. Peter says, with “the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit.” 126 S. Louis said that the right thing is for every one to dress according to his position, so that good and sensible people should not be able to say they are over-dressed, or younger gayer ones that they are under-dressed. But if these last are not satisfied with what is modest and seemly, they must be content with the approbation of the elders……”
Theresa
Dear Theresa, please excuse my punctuation. I meant hair styled. Not nails. I am deeply sorry for having offended you in my response. I am an attractive woman that has been married 27 years and have many children myself. I did thank you for your twelve steps. I am so sorry you got insulted by my response. I only felt that if you could be so brave and loving as to tell women to have clean hair(sad that some women would need this reminder)you were the kind of woman that would be open to other viewpoints. I am speaking from personal experience, as I have been literally bullied at bus stops, sporting events etc. by a group of vicious women (thankfully all in the past now) laughing at me, telling me my hair is from the 80’s (it sort of is) giving me digs that I smell, laughing at my shoes. all while I was holding a baby in my arm, two more by my side and more that left at 7:00am for middle school and HS. So please understand the wounds in my heart that were imposed by these uncharitable people . During this time not one person defended me against these women. Not even my spouse. It was a very sad time. I was only sharing with you what I have learned through my pain. What I wrote truly came from my experiences and what helped me recover from that emotional bullying. Please ,please don’t think I was trying to hurt you. I meant from my heart that you sound like one in a million. I reread my response and I see how it could have been taken not the way I intended. Please re read it again now knowing what I have shared with you. I sincerely meant God bless You. I still go through this cruelty, but I know that I am a child of the Most high God, and he loves me no matter how I look or smell to other people.
Anna Marie,
{{hugs}}! I am so sorry that you experienced that!! That must have been awful. I’m sorry! You’re fine- I take no offense. 🙂 I just wanted to clarify what I meant because I felt my words were misunderstood. That’s all.
Believe me, I have been in that spit-up baby shirt many times. lol 🙂 Caring for ones child is so much more important than having that put-together appearance!!! I’m just trying to encourage moms (particularly young ones) that it is okay – not selfish and actually GOOD 🙂 when they take the time to do these things for themselves…. (when it doesn’t cause the children to be neglected of course!) I myself tended to mentally err on the side of feeling guilty for taking time for myself. While taking up too much time on one’s appearance can be vain, I think some moms need to hear that it’s fine- even GOOD- to take the time to take care of themselves- they many times will be better wives and mothers if they look and feel nice. That’s the message I want to convey and I’m sorry that you had negative experiences with other women.That was a message I needed to hear when I was younger- that it is fine to care for myself too. Again, what you described must have been difficult. I’m sorry for it- {{hugs}}
I’ll pray for your intentions tonight- my sister in Christ, please pray for mine!
Theresa
Thank you for your prayers and for calling me your sister in Christ, That touched me. Your words were very kind. Sr. Phil says something like for every put down a person needs at least 200 positve remarks said . That is how damaging slander is. Thankfully, years later I was told by a man who knew one of those women’s husband that she was jealous of me because her husband made a comment at one time about me being pretty and very funny. Sadly, jealousy reared it’s ugly head. She then launced an attack against my hygiene. which hurt me to the core, because I come from a mother and that sisters that are nurses. Where hygiene was always a priority. I was finally vindicated when i took the principal’s advise to drive my children to school to avoid the bullying. It was then that the gorgeous trees lining the blocks of the bus stop bloomed. They are absolutely gorgeous , however, they give off the distinct smell of fish. You can google the name. I can’t remember it just now. there are articles about a college campuses having this odor due to this lovely trees. So when i was no longer there and the odor continued … let’s just say she lived the words of psalm 7. “The ditch she dug for me she fell in herself. I am 52 years old. I have had5 c-sections, I have been married 27 years and I am still pretty. My daughters are truly lovely. Each like a long stem rose of different colors. My son and daughters shine with kindness, beauty and intellect. God is restoring the ten years of hell I was put through by gossip mongers. But my reputation of “smelling like fish” will never fully be repaired. It is the the old story of the pillow case and the feathers. Once they flew about, like words, they can never be fully retracted. I pray for these jealous women that they find their self-worth in Our Lord and look to His beautiful countenance to emmulate rather than being a jealous of the beauty he chose to bestow upon my daughters and I. So women please please guard your hearts against all forms of jealousy and envy. Remember it was jealousy that caused satan to become so ugly in every aspect. Thank you again Theresa for your kindness to me and your prayers. xo
Sweet, thought-provoking and equally applicable to happy husbands.
I understand that in posting your thoughts, you expose yourself to other people’s responses and not every one is as charitable. God Bless
Thank you, Mark. Your kindness is greatly appreciated. I needed to hear that just now- God bless you- Theresa
Theresa, After reading your beautiful article , I was observing the comments. Tha nk you for your gentle -woman responses. To some of your readers, cleanliness is next to Godliness, as the saying goes. Also, one must be respectful of others around them in practicing simple basic hygiene. God would certainly expect this as you explained in detail.
Working out can take many forms. Depending on your schedule, one can take time to workout. My husband works long hours and I would take a 2-3 mile run early in the morning. This was great stress relief and prayer time too! Then I hit my mid -40’s and started looking more like a sumo- wrestler. yikes! I have been doing exercises that work smaller accessory muscles ( I like Tracy Anderson, yes , women only 🙂 making for a MUCH kinder feminine look. Plus, I haven’t had to frequent the chiropractor, my joints and muscles feel so much more limber. It takes about an hour each morning (Sundays off!) but so worth it.
God Bless you and your beautiful family.
Thank you so much, Bridget! I really appreciate your kind words. They made my day! 🙂
Good thoughts, though I consider my exercise is primarily for my sanity,therefore also indirectly a benefit to those around me. I have found a lot of strength that I did not know I had as I prepared for my half and full marathons, and love that I can do nearly all of that work before hours so as not to take time away from my family. Unfortunately my husband would like to see me dressed in more revealing clothes and we have the discussion of why I don’t want to wear a bikini every summer. He does not grasp the idea of not wanting to attract that kind of attention, and figures it is because I am self conscious about my body. I have one kiddo grown up and off to college, and my daughter is 15. I want to set a good example for her about modesty.
I also have taken care of my mother in law’s needs from extreme incontinence to social and spiritual needs, for the last 3 yrs, with very rare expressions of appreciation from her kids. They are grateful, but don’t say it. My husband would be disappointed that I’d come back from an after dinner clean up of her and her apartment and not be all chipper. This is after a day of driving my daughter 45 min and back to school (total 3 hrs/day) and working. Note to wives and husbands : a word of appreciation goes a really long way. Feeling unappreciated is a real bummer.
Yes, it is a bummer. Helps us appreciate Our Lord on the Cross and all the ingratitude He gets , especially today. –Our Blessed Mother , too.
Yes, and I firmly believe in doing the right thing whether or not it’ll be appreciated. Just tired. It’s been mostly a blessing and I still enjoy giving to my husband, appreciating his efforts in many ways and doing little things for him. He did not have a good role model in his father at all and I know this is part of the issue. He is a good man and we sure all have our improvements to make, which keeps life growing and changing.
Well stated. Our family will keep you in our rosary. God Bless.
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The main thing you need are two committed Catholic’s in a sacramental marriage…without that start it is all uphill 🙂
One question: how do I get my wife to read this (and take it to heart)? (Sorry, two questions)
ha! Well, hold her, lovingly (this part is VERY important 🙂 and tell her you found the article interesting and would also enjoy partaking in the some of the same habits habits. After all , marriage is about keeping each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically fed to endure the challenges of this life together.
Hi Bryan- I think Bridget’s idea is spot on! What I would also suggest is that you preface it by you setting the example by starting to live some of those ideas which are most relevant in your own life and marriage.I would almost guarantee that she’ll notice and probably be very receptive to suggestions after you first show the way in love
Bryan: Step one, love your wife for the woman she is, whether or not she does these things. (If she’s married to someone who is considering giving her a list of “things you should do,” then she is probably a saint ;)) Step two, do these things yourself and set the example. Step three, pray for your marriage to be strengthened and, if need be, your heart opened to accepting the woman your wife is.
Bryan- here is a start: 🙂 https://theresathomas.wordpress.com/2014/02/07/a-week-of-married-love/
This is true! 🙂 Thanks for writing-
Theresa
This list is perfect. It could actually be called, How to Have a Happy Husband.
Oh….thank you, Patrick!!
Marriage is between a man and a woman. As such, lists about being a happily married woman without showing the other side (a happily married man) are incomplete, and thus easily misconstrued. I say this to suggest that, when talking about marriage in the future, you show the whole picture. As you know, marriage is not a married woman, or a married man. It is a married man and woman.
I would love to see a follow-up piece, the secrets of being a happily married man! I have to wonder how people like Bryan and Patrick above will react to such a list 😉
Fair enough, Jackie.
I invite Patrick and Bryan and any other interested men to send me their ideas. I will also consult my husband who should be knowledgeable in this area 😉
You may send your ideas to:
TheresaThomasEverydayCatholic at gmail dot com
Men only please.
🙂
Theresa
As a blessed happily married Catholic woman for 22 years, I wouldn’t share this list for it does seem secular. When God provides those moments of sharing with young or other women, my list would go something like this:
– At all times remember you are a daughter of the Father. You have the most important love of your life with Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit. Make certain you begin your day with God (not all mornings will be lengthy, but give Him your first fruits). For me, my personal prayer time has strengthened my love and knowledge of God, which strengthens my love, desire to know, and serve my husband. My personal prayer time has been a consistent witness to our 4 children. Two are in college, and my husband has said that their love of God and desire to know and serve Him surpasses ours at that age. So, a happy wife focuses on God first, Husband second, and children third.
– Love your vocation as a wife! When I married my husband, I was certain I could never love him more than I did. With each new year of our marriage, I am certain I haven’t reached the summit of my love for him as yet. He loves and values me, and I love and submit to him. He is the authority of our home. He is the head, I am the heart. My children see our depth of love, our respect, our fidelity, and our daily sacrifice for one another and for them as well. My husband and I share in laughter each day–be it our blunders, something funny with the children, or just daily life. We begin our day with joyful spirits for each other. When one hurts the other, we ask forgiveness a.s.a.p. We forgive a.s.a.p., and do our best to forget as well.
– Love your vocation as a mother! Never turn on the tv for it is evil bombardment. Talk with them, sing with them, play with them, read to them, and most certainly, pray with them. Bless them every night before they go to sleep. Allow only beautiful music in your home…classical mostly. Express your love for them daily through affection, words, and correction. Teach and live the Faith every day. Teach them their dignity comes from being created by God. Help them to learn hospitality by welcoming other families over for dinner and having oodles of fun together. Take many walks together as a family. Sacrifice day in and day out for they grow up.
– Frequent the Sacraments as a family. Dress your best for Holy Mass for we are going to see the King!
– Our Faith has so many, many books that can be read to inspire us, to help us grow in Faith and reason. We have Aquinas, Augustine, …purchase a set of Great Books on ebay! If reading time doesn’t come in the first 15 years…it will come during the second 15.
– We homeschooled, so the happiest words of our day were, “Daddy’s Home!” He loved hugs and affectionate greetings every day. (He said his job wasn’t as stressful as the one I was doing.)
– My husband drastically reduced time with “other men” from the getgo and within the first 5 years of our marriage — he retired his golf clubs (married 11/91, first child 11/92, 2nd 1/94, 3rd 7/95 and 4th 12/96). Then, around our 7th year, he would rather save dimes and dollars for a night or 2 away with me.
– We both try our best to give 100% to our beloved, for 50/50 seems to short change the one we love most.
– I haven’t mentioned that our second 2 children have special needs. This has been a challenge more often than not; it has also been so strengthening to our marriage and our love for one another. We also had my in-laws live with us since they were older and we knew they would need our care and assistance. That was from our 3rd year of marriage until each died (7th year and 11th year, respectively). Additionally, my Dad required my weekly assistance after my Mom died. I was able to provide for him while my husband sacrificed each Sunday for a few years, and we welcomed him into our home providing hospice for him for only 2 short weeks.
– My frame looks a whole lot more like those fuller figured 1500s women painted and sculpted. Exercise is rare, but then so is any time alone to myself. Life is far too full to be concerned with things that our secular world places such high values on…it is and always will be the woman within that our husbands fall in love with that makes both them and us happy for we fall in love with his heart, not his appearance.
I think your suggestions are a ‘given’ for most Catholic families (women) reading this. Also, the challenges vary from marriage to marriage. I really think the purpose of the article was to help women– like woman to woman talk. Not everyone will fit fit exactly, of course. Some of the venues would actually help , such as diet and exercise to be able to deal with any challenges better. With one of our teens, we had a particularly difficult time. Exercise each day was a HUGE help to relieve stress etc… even if it is at ‘o’dark thirty’ .. It is so worth getting up earlier if one can. It can be a domino effect, increasing energy and more positive mood… secualr has nothing to do with it… just don’t want you to be missing out on something so beneficial.
Exactly, Bridget! Thank you so much! 🙂
When I read this article, my first response was one of resentment and frustration. Then I took a breath, and reread it. I don’t disagree with most of it, and most of it is sound advice. However, I do take issue with these types of articles in general for several reasons.
First of all, there are many husbands that are not living the life of loving and cherishing their wives as God commands them to, yet they have high expectations of their wives devotion and nonstop giving, even to the point of exhaustion, all under the belief that it is all a woman’s job. When these types of articles are read by such men (and unfortunately, there are MANY men like this among conservative couples), they cause even more pain for women struggling to please the never pleased husband because now these men have proof that some women give foot baths, love sex all the time, are always cheerful, beautiful, in shape, and so forth. This is the case with my husband, so I speak from personal experience of 20 years and 6 kids. These articles are used as weapons to further put down and criticize their spouses, who usually are doing the best they can with little love and support from their husbands.
Secondly, and this is related to the first reason, it puts so much of the weight of a good marriage on one spouse. Marriage is such a two way commitment, that to title it in such a manner is to let the husband off the hook…it leads to the condemning idea of “if only she were like this” on his part, and “if only I tried harder” on her part. These suggestions can definitely enhance a good relationship, and take it to the next level, but they WILL NOT make a happy marriage from an unhappy one. This would be better titled “How to Make Your Good Marriage Great..Tips for Wives”.
I think what is more constructive for marriages is advice that is given to both, and that both can live by, not advice that is partisan. Advice like 1) Develop a personal relationship with God…Love Him, Adore Him, Do all for Him, and the rest will fall into place. 2) Your spouse is the 2nd most important being in your life. Treat him/her like it. 3) Live each day as if it is the last day of your life…as if you will never see your spouse or kids ever again, and act accordingly. 4) Do what you can to imitate Christ in serving your spouse and family, and carry your cross with patience. 5) Take care of your health and body so you can be an active member of your family, and good manners dictate that you give basic grooming its due, and that you try to be attractive to your spouse so they are not tempted by all the other attractive men and women they encounter each day.
Those are the ones that come to mind. Last but certainly not least..
Foster Charity…Kindness…Be slow to judge…Quick to forgive. Live the life of Christian Virtue. The Church has already laid out these “secrets” of happiness long ago in…Our Faith.
Thank you for expressing what I am also feeling. I am (of my own choice many years ago) in a spiritually mismatched marriage – my husband used to go to Mass with me before we married then went toward animosity toward the faith, now sort of neutral. I am actually very blessed and grateful that we have made it to our 21st year and have grown in respect and depth of our relationship. I do get weary though of feeling that most of the day to day is on my shoulders, from financial base to driving our teen to/from school far away to caring for his mother and the housework. He’s done beautiful work on the house and I am so grateful he can do it, and keep reminding myself of all the things he does. He does like to cook too – always look forward to those evenings! Sometimes it is hard to keep that balance/priority though and I find myself just wanting to be alone at the end of the day rather than connecting with him. Any suggestions?
Hi Laura
I think you are asking me for ideas of dealing with feelings of being unappreciated and having too much on your plate. I don’t know that I have any good suggestions, but I can try. For myself, I have found relief in a few different strageties when it seems that my burdens are too heavy.
1) When you say that at the end of the day you want time to yourself, this is not abnormal or wrong. Giving all day long leaves one drained by the end of it. I would suggest that you take that time to recharge yourself spiritually and emotionally by spending at least 10 min of it in spiritual reading. Many saints have written on the absolute necessity of spiritual reading or meditation. If the connection with God is weak or distant, the problems in our life quickly become bigger and heavier than they really are. Then, after this, maybe a few times a week, try to give hubby some of your attention before you collapse into bed. If he can’t see all you do, he will only feel neglected and this will increase your discouragement.
2) I remind myself that everything in this world changes, nothing is eternal. This means, simply, that problems and burdens now, will not last. They will have their end when God deems fit, or they take their natural course. So patience and perseverance are the virtues to pray for and strive to practice.
3) Although we should try to change situations that are in our power to do so and it is morally right to do so, by positve action, by counsel, by persuasion, by prayer, etc, while we are in the trenches, so to speak, we are called to accept it as God’s will for us at that moment in our life. So if we are not appreciated now, we can try to unite our suffering with Christ, remembering His abandonment by His apostles in the garden; His mocking by those same creatures He loved so much He had come to save ; His cry to His Father in the Garden to take the cup of His suffering away (positive action of petition) while accepting God’s will for Him to be where He was called to be. I think it is imperative to have a supernatural view of our lives in order to bear life well…to see the sum total of our sacrifices as taking up our cross to follow Christ. As the saying goes, “no cross, no crown”. Without this mindset, discouragement. drudgery, and resentment quickly rush into our souls to fill the void.
4) This is my favorite consolation: We are, in marriage, called to do our part to bring our spouse to heaven. Therefore, you may have been brought into this marriage to be the instrument by which your husband will come to the Faith. This is the most beautiful and uplifting thought that can be your consolation and motivation. Everything we can do, and offer to God as a sacrifice, can be offered in the name of another, that those graces be applied to them when they don’t have the grace to do it for themselves. So when you are caring for your mother-in-law, whisper a prayer that by your cheerful servitude your husband will convert. When you are just sick of driving, driving, driving, cast heavenward a prayer that this mundane task done well will gain graces for him. (btw, you may already do this, but driving time is an excellent opportunity for finding some good spiritual cds and listening to them). By this method, slow and steady (but it seems long and tedious), you will store up graces for your husband and one day may witness his conversion. Making a morning offering of all your works, prayers, thoughts and actions for this intention means that you do not have to constantly remember to do this all day long. Beautiful, no?
I have obviously gone on and on…sorry! I hope somewhere in all this you found something you can use. Good luck, and I will pray for you!
This was a great list, thanks for sharing! Lots of good, concrete ideas and things to work on. Some of these I do, some were good reminders to get me back into gear! 🙂 Also, please remember that some women have no children, but desperately want them.
Thank you, Mary Beth! Good point- I will remember that.
Some of these points sounds like I should be vain in order to have a happy marriage. My hair isn’t always perfect, I have never had a manicure, I rarely work out…therefore my marriage should be in ruins by now, right? I don’t have to look like a Stepford wife to have a happy marriage. That said I do take care of myself and my appearance (as in I don’t prance about my house, or the world, in my pajamas, yoga pants, or stained clothes) but that is not the main focus of my marriage. We have a happy marriage because we love each other, because we respect each other, because we love our family and spending time together. Our marriage has nothing to do with manicured nails and expensive makeup. Maybe you should add love and respect for each other to your list, because without either one your marriage will not be a happy one, even when your nails, hair and makeup look amazing.
Sofia-
Respectfully-
I feel you did not read the article because the whole thing was marinated in love for one’s husband. And both love and respect were written about specifically in #11. Please read #3 because I never mentioned manicures (although I see nothing wrong with them for women if they so choose). You focused on things you thought but I did not say….I certainly welcome opposing opinions but would appreciate you reading the article carefully if you are going to criticize and would also appreciate being represented accurately.
Thank you!
Theresa
First time on this blog….. And I agree with most of the above advice. Except formal exercise with babies in the house and homeschooling children is “pie in the sky” for me. Also, the black & white picture of the Barbie-like wife/mom in a cocktail dress kissing her tuxedo man needs to go. It gave me a good laugh though. Reading the 62 comments was entertaing too. Think i’ll sign up for updates….high five!
Laughing is good 🙂
Thank you for reading! (and for the high five)
Theresa
Your words are beautiful, Theresa! I’m sorry that you’ve had to spend so much time and energy defending them! As the mother of 7 young children, it was the gentle reminder that I needed to hear. Thank you for lifting me up in the spirit of loving experience!
Thank you, Kristi!
Some of these suggestions are challenges for sure, but our husbands deserve our BEST selves- spiritually, emotionally and physically so we can live (God willing) long, loving and happy sacramental marriages and receive the blessing of seeing and knowing our children’s children. I so appreciate your kind words
Great article. Well said. Not a single one of the 12 isn’t relevant. It takes great selflessness to focus on these 12 things. The list of 12 things for men would be for them to act selflessly as well and cater to the needs of their wives. Don’t be discouraged by some of these responses for we are all human beings, each with our own free thoughts and opinions. Imagine a woman running for president who agreed with these 12 ideals. What a different world we would live in. Dave, I hereby nominate your wife for President in 2016. 🙂
Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this very much!! And yes, on the men’s things too- You would know! 🙂
I decline the nomination, however. lol
After raising this wonderful, energetic brood I am looking very forward to much earned R & R with David. 😉 at least until the grandchildren come 😉
Well, I guess I entered the wrong blog. My response to Bridget was never posted. I am amazed at the defensiveness of those comments that feel they must protect Theresa. I am always open to gleaning ideas for the sake of holiness; so I thought 12 secrets to would provide just that. Bridget seems to think that the holiness end is a given. I would say that six of the 12 would be on the cover of any secular magazine, but by such a comment, I offend. This is very confusing to me. I guess the idea of this blog is to read and smile and agree. Again, this is the first time I’ve encountered that. Finally, I most certainly disagree with Michael Brammer. I hope and pray that I never see the day of a woman President. God has given man the authority, not women. That doesn’t mean our ideas are never heard. Just the opposite is true, for what man would not seek input and ideas from his helpmate to heaven. Please Michael, reconsider and vote for a good man. God bless you all!
It was not so much to defend her (Theresa) but to understand her. Yes, we see some of these in the secular but with a much greater degree and emphasis (ie. botox, surgeries, etc.). In regards to the physical , it seems we should present our ‘best’ natural selves in the way God made us in order to be his ambassadors for Heaven and by no means, in a vain way. Of course , it’s not the only element, but since we do have bodies , we are expected to discipline them to be healthy and yes, to deprive them at times (fasting). Everything in balance.
I would agree about the President nomination ha! Moms have enough to do. Besides, we have to let men do these jobs as it is fitting for them. My daughters and their friends have a terrible time finding men in their 20’s and 30’s to be serious about marriage. These days it is called extended childhood. One can see a scary trend becoming larger. This is why we must preserve the family and roles as designed by God. As for Michael, I’m hoping he was paying a compliment and in no means serious ( note his smile face ).
Yes, for the sake of clarity, I was taking a swipe at Hillary and wasn’t serious about Theresa running, no offense Theresa :). I too fear the day we as a country elect a woman, especially one like Hillary Clinton, to run the highest office in the land, but nothing these days surprises me. Lastly, I think all of the points Theresa made contribute to a healthy, strong, enjoyable marriage even though some of the points are more humanistic than supernatural. At least we all seem to agree about one thing, prayer is the foundation for any meaningful marriage.
No offense taken, Mike!
I would be horrible for the job. For one thing, I’d be cooking or playing on the lawn with the kids more than is probably allowed in such a position. For another thing, I hate flying, and I think a president needs to do that. Last, I am not really the political type – I’d much rather pamper my husband, hang out with my kids and write Catholic columns with a cute Yorkie on my lap.
🙂