(Part II begins here)
Before I get started and offer some teenaged dating rules for girls, I want to say a couple things.
One, my intent is not to debate. I’ve been asked about this topic many times, when I talk to mom’s groups, in casual conversations, and in emails. So… I am going to answer what I have been asked. That’s the motivation of this post- to answer the people who have asked me the question of what we do.
I am sharing here what is now morphing into our own family’s dating rules for girls, either formally or informally. But I’m not posting this to argue or try to prove that I am right and that there’s only one way to do this. This is what WE are currently choosing to do in OUR home with OUR reasoning behind it. These are the beliefs WE cherish. You may choose differently.
If you don’t like these rules, or if you vehemently disagree with them, or if you think they are stupid, or if you would just choose something different so be it, that’s FINE! Feel free to mosey on to the next blog on your list without further adieu… if you comment please respect our choices and if you disagree, please do so courteously.
Mean comments, remarks that we are ‘sooo behind the times’ are boring and will likely be deleted. If you have something sincere to say, by all means say it, or email me, but I will not tolerate ridicule, which is what I got from a number of my college alma mater “connections” last time I posted for young men “Mom’s Rules for Getting the Girl”. The comments mostly came from a LinkedIn group that went ballistic, but there were some on this blog too and I deleted the rudest ones. Interestingly, the negative mail I got about this topic was primarily from the very group of women who prided themselves, at least in college, in being open minded. Ironic, isn’t it? But I digress…
Anyway… We have six daughters, currently three teenagers, one in her early twenties and the others are 11 and 8. They are intelligent, talented and beautiful girls, as I’m sure yours are as well. Our girls’ dad and I believe in fiercely protecting the treasures our daughters are while they are minors, and helping them make good choices, protect themselves and choose wisely as they mature and become adults. We see their vocation choices as uniquely theirs- and encourage them to explore all vocations- the married life, the single life and the consecrated religious life. No matter their ages, their father will always look over them with a protective eye. That’s just what good fathers do.
I’m not claiming these are the secrets of the century. But I do think we are onto something. And it works for us.
Two, these rules are morphing and being refined. They are by no means perfect because of course we as parents are not perfect. Who knows? They might look different in a few years. But for now, here we go-
Mom’s Dating Rules for Girls
1. No alone, one-on-one steady dating before age 18.
What?! Are you serious? you may be thinking. In this day and age? Yes, I am quite serious, and it’s working out great! To the best of my knowledge, nobody feels deprived with this rule. In fact, to the contrary. I think the girls feel very happy where they are socially.
The purpose of dating is ultimately to find a spouse. Therefore, one-on-one casual dating before age 18 is pointless. Most likely early one-on-one dating will lead to heartache. Let’s face it- there are only two options to romantic boy/girl relationships- one- they will end up in marriage. two- they will end up in break up. The former is far less likely to happen than the latter, especially the younger the people are who are involved. For that reason, later dating is just a better statistical odd for healthy emotional development. You stack the odds in favor of your child when you postpone their one-on-one dating until they are older, when they have more mature social and coping skills, have a stronger sense of self, have been exposed to more situations, and because of this presumably have better manners and skill. In other words, they’ll be better able to handle it.
This is not to say that boy/girl relationships are totally off limits before age 18. Not at all!! Girls can meet en masse with young men at Steak and Shake, Burger King or the local pizza place, at the homes of (carefully chosen) friends for get-togethers , with parents present…whom the girls’ parents know…and who share similar values. The girls can attend football games, bonfires, skating parties with boys, and a few astute, warm and friendly chaperone parents. Girls and boys of teenaged age can do service work, meet in study groups, work together in clubs of mutual interest. In other words, they can live life in a natural way with one another.
Our girls dance in a preprofessional dance company, and some of their ‘best buddies’ are the young men with whom they are partnered and dance. They attend supervised dances, skating parties and the like. These social situations are healthy and normal, and encourage girls to see young men as people and friends first, not just as romantic interests. Taking dating off the table until they are older frees up the girls to be themselves in these new situations, instead of worrying if he will ‘ask me out’ or want to ‘go steady’, or ‘go out’, or whatever the current exclusive terminology is.
Friendships with the opposite sex should first be cultivated in a group. Back up. They should first be cultivated in the family. Little girls’ first experience with a member of the opposite sex is her relationship with her father. If her father is loving and protective, and pays appropriate attention to her by cheering her on in her accomplishments, whether those accomplishments are in soccer or dance or something else….and compliments her on her femininity, telling her she looks pretty in a dress when she does or that he notices and likes her new haircut, he is encouraging her to take care of herself and value herself. When a girl values herself by being valued first by her father (both for who she is, and for what she accomplishes), this sets a lifelong trend of a girl having self respect. It lays the groundwork for healthy sense of self as well as healthy relationships with others, including males, for a girl’s entire lifetime.
What’s more, and along the same lines, a girl’s positive relationship with her brothers also helps her develop healthy personal and social relationships with males, which helps later on in her life. The skills she uses when communicating with her brothers are the same skills she will later use to communicate with other guys. When parents encourage sibling bonding and teach their sons to protect their sisters, they are setting the groundwork for a happy later life for them both.
Sibling bonding helps teens learn to relate
In short, girls learn about man/woman relationships first by seeing the husband/wife mother/father relationship modeled in their home by their parents, and then by experiencing their relationship with their siblings (if they have them). Last, they learn from chaperoned and parent controlled exposure in various social, academic and athletic settings. By interacting with members of the opposite sex in casual and natural circumstances, girls learn about themselves and about the boys. Young teen one-on- one dating is discouraged because two teens of the opposite sex being alone with one another for any period of time can be a huge temptation, even with the best of intentions. That’s just nature, and the fact that the temptation is larger because of the way society accepts and even promotes promiscuity.
Before I have a wave of feminists lambasting me for this idea they’ll surely label as 1950s drivel, I would like to cut this criticism off at the pass and state that values are never decade driven or outdated. Principles hold true even where fads and fashions fade. An evolution of culture may include outward appearances that differ from generations before (clothes, trends, even ideas), but objective truth and the needs of the human soul remain constant- they always were, they are and they will remain the same in the future. I firmly believe it is in a girl’s best interest to delay dating until she is mature enough to handle the responsibility and to begin the process of exploring the possibility of a married vocation and seeking a spouse. And it is up to parents to protect their daughters.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Early, frequent, and steady dating is one of the single biggest risk factors for teenage sexual activity**
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Girls with high self esteem are less likely to be sexually active as teens.
**I am not endorsing these sites in their entirety, just providing reference for the factual claims made.
COMING UP NEXT TIME:
2. If a young man is interested in getting to know you, he should be willing to hang around your family.
3. If he wants to take you to the prom or another school sponsored dance, you go in a group and he asks your (gasp!) dad’s permission
PART II BEGINS HERE
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I loved this blog article. Thank you! I wish I would have followed these rules when I was a teenager! It would have saved me plenty of heartache!
Thank you, Tanya- more in the next post! 🙂
Sounds great. The book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” changed my whole attitude about dating. Our oldest, a 16-year-old daughter, is delightedly engaged in violin, choir (she was recently in a trio that sang with the LA Philharmonic), and language learning (last Spring she brought home accolades after taking the National Latin Exam and National Greek exam, and is currently encouraging her younger siblings to solidify their Spanish while she dabbles in German). OK, so she’s outside the norm. But boys? Not interested. She figures she might find someone in college whom she’ll find interesting, and, needless to say, is pretty busy (we’re making sure she gets athletics in, too!) and is happy to wait. I say, help your daughters find interests, and help them thrive personally!!! Later on, if and when she finds Mr. Right, she’ll be so secure and well-rounded she’ll sweep HIM off his feet. Oh, and her standards will be VERY HIGH.
Our other kids think she’s great, and want to emulate her. The second, a boy age 13, still thinks girls are pretty strange. He decided to study to skip a year in Latin, and flew ahead in Algebra and asked for books on Physics, over the summer. Meanwhile, he’s a cross-country trainer. So I guess my advice about girls is the same for boys….Help them find solid interests, encourage them, and, well, the rest will follow, at least it’s beginning to in our home.
Of course, pray, pray, pray….
Theresa, you make a really, really good point- the interest in dating will not be as high if they are involved in challenging activities they love. Those activities will fill time, and maybe the boys will even be participating in them too, but the focus won’t be on the dating, just the activity, and the interaction will be more normal and natural and age appropriate.
You wrote, “.Help them find solid interests, encourage them, and, well, the rest will follow, at least it’s beginning to in our home.
Of course, pray, pray, pray….”
And I couldn’t agree more! 🙂
God bless-
Wonderful post – thank you. Really, I think the same applies to our boys, too. It just plain makes sense all around. God Bless!
Thank you, Juli. Yes, you are right- the same does go for the boys- training is a little different and Dad has to be really involved with them- (it takes a man to make a man) but I do agree with you!
We did something similar when our older children were of this age: NO dating of any kind until 16 (except school dances, WELL CHAPERONED, the once a year “date dances” that were held.) Then, after 16, dating permitted if the young man was willing to come to dinner at our house first, and at the end of dinner, ask if he could take our daughter out for an hour. My girls thought this very archaic at the time..and would not even let a young man know of this requirement. That was fine with us…that meant SHE was not ready. I wish I had more support like you are doing when we were doing this a few years back…..
Mary, I love that idea. It shows the girls how valuable they are and I’m sure made a very good impression on them! Plus, I bet it scared away those who did not have good intentions. 😉
Yay for you! I have six sons ( seven if you count the one not yet born) and we are where you are. We tell our sons often that their job is to guard and protect a girl’s heart and that that heart is very easily broken and very difficult to repair. Also – never, ever, ever treat, look at, or think about a girl in ANY way you don’t want your sister treated, looked at, or thought about. After all, she is someone’s daughter or sister and a child of God, even if she doesn’t act, look like, or acknowledge that fact. Keep on keeping on!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Susan! You too!
And seven boys!? wow! You have a very active household!
I wish more parents felt the same, and you’re right there is nothing oudated ever about teaching our children values. I have two boys but hope that someday they will meet girls with the same values. They are only 8 and 10 now but it’s so sad that I’ve had to have ” the talk” with them because of things that they were hearing from their friends at school. My oldest did want to ask a girl out to the movies once, instead of telling him no, i told him that we would discuss it with her family and go out together as a family, my husband and i, my son and his brother, all went to see a movie with a girl from his class, and we all had a great time, I was very proud that he used good manners and did things like open doors, but I agree that until after high school there should be no reason for private dates. One of my biggest fears is my kids doing things behind my back, when I was a kid my dad said ” no dating” but I still did, he just didn’t know about it. I try to make sure that my kids know that they can talk to their father and I about anything, and it is important to know who their friends are, and their friends’ parents. We will do our best. I am so happy to know that there are other parents out there with the values that you have. Your daughters are very lucky
Thanks for your comments. It’s great you are setting the ground work for a great relationship later on by encouraging them to talk to you about anything. Yes, we do have to stick together!
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Wonderful blog! great advice! I am not yet a mother but if the Lord chooses motherhood as my vocation, within the Sacrament of Matrimony, I will never forget these words you have written. God Bless you and the Holy Spirit is definitely working in this family! What a excellent example of what a family should be!
Thanks! Good to know we aren’t alone in our outlook on this critically important topic. The reason boys call kissing “first base” should be obvious. Tell your kids — boys and girls — to pray for their future spouse from a young age.
I agree, my cousin had 5 kids and had this rule (probably because she got pregnant as a teenager). I would like to add what my husband and I felt important to do at an earlier age to help with future fighting. (my girls are 8, 10 and 12) we made the rule the girls could not go into the houses of others, especially with boys there. (mothers with boys do not be offended, My daughters are just as dangerous as boys 🙂 my middle girl is romantic and loves to cuddle. She is like this innocently but I think she could give a boy the wrong idea) In other words since they have grown up with the rule it wont be a sudden change when they are teenagers. (we did not just make this rule because of dating but also to protect them from things….We do not know of. Thanks for the article!
This is amazing, Theresa. I wish I could high five you. As a Catholic mother of three teenagers, ( two girls and one boy), I applaud your parenting, as my rules are quite similar. In response to those who think we are “old school,” I have this to say: just because it’s popular, doesn’t mean it’s right.
God Bless You and your precious kiddos!
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Awesome blog!
We encouraged exactly this courtship approach for my daughter, and the results were beautiful! She’s happily married to a fantastic young man, and we are looking forward to the first of hopefully many grandchildren this fall. Preach it!
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That’s a great commonsense idea. My parents felt that way and I didn’t date anyone until after highschool, nor did I want to. I’m now engaged to the first girlfriend I’ve ever had and it’s awesome.
Love this. Trying to live it. Wondering why it is “rules for girls” and not “rules for our children?” I expect the same from my boys…especially my boys as they will someday interested in someone else’s daughter… 😉
Hi Christine-
Thank you for your kind comments- I wrote a piece specifically for boys called “Mom’s Rules for Getting the Girl” here: https://theresathomas.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/moms-rules-for-getting-the-girl/
Have a great day!! 🙂
This article is RIGHT ON!!! The only respectful and, hopefully, constructive, criticism I have is that you need not waste time “apologizing” or “warning” readers of the way you raise your daughters. There IS right and wrong, and the way you are raising your children IS RIGHT, and if others don’t share your particular views on the morals and values in raising children they ARE wrong. Just a “plug” on a great book for everyone, too…Colleen Campbell’s book “Dressing With Dignity…” a MUST read for parents and literate children.
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