Tags
courtship, dating, finding a wife, get the girl, getting the girl, going out, manners, mom's advice, parenting, relationships, to my sons
At a bridal shower today I was chatting with a friend who told me this true story about someone she knows-
A woman was on a first date with a man. As they drove in the car to their destination of a nice restaurant, the conversation was lively and they found they had much in common. They were already enjoying one another’s company very much. Once the car was parked the man got out and began to walk toward the door of the restaurant. He took several steps before he noticed that his date was not next to him. Where was she? He looked around, confused, and then retraced his steps to find her sitting exactly as he had left her- in the car. She was smiling and patiently waiting….for him to come around her side of the car and open the door. “She knew what kind of man I was,” he later told my friend, “and that I had just momentarily forgotten that. From then on, I did not forget again.”
A quality woman will bring out the best in a man. She will hold him to high standards. She will value herself, and she will value you. Look for this type of woman and don’t settle. Look for a girl who will help you be your best. How can you get the girl? Rule number one is REMEMBER YOUR MANNERS.
Here are some niceties that every lady, whether she is 16 or 66, will appreciate:
-You open the door courteously for her.
-You help her with her coat on and off.
-You hold her chair out for her to sit.
-In a restaurant, you ask her what she would like from the menu and offer to order it for her.
-You keep her drink cup filled.
-You ask which movie she would like to see, or which activity she might enjoy. Put some thought into the options. They need not be expensive. If she says she doesn’t care, make a decision and try to see to it that she has a good time.
-When she speaks, you look at her and listen. You do not check your cell phone during the meal, unless you are a doctor and have received an emergency call.
-You treat her the way you would want your wife to be treated by another man. This woman may become your wife, or she may be another’s some day.
– You do not dominate the conversation with self talk. You ask about her interests and ideas, then listen. Watch for clues that might indicate compatibility or incompatibility. How important is her faith, her family, her career to her? However, do not make her feel that she is being ‘interviewed’ or quizzed. Even if she is not right for you, she deserves kindness and respect.
-You do not ask her to compromise her reputation by keeping her out too late. Even if you have the best intentions, you do not allow the two of you to get into predicaments that would necessitate her staying at your house or hers . You guard her reputation. You do not take privileges that are only properly offered and given in marriage. You keep your hands to yourself. You are a gentleman.
-You are kind to her mother and respectful to her father if you meet them.
-Please be traditional and pay for her meal, ticket or other normal date expenses. If you can’t afford this, please don’t ask her out until you can.
-You are on time. You arrive when you say you will and leave when you say you will.
-You do not call last minute to invite her to dinner, movie or another date. You give her plenty of time, at least two days.
-You remember simple courtesies such as ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
-You do not act to impress. You are genuinely yourself around her.
-You do not pry into her private matters or ask intimate questions prematurely. For example, you do not ask, “Who did you vote for in the last election?” “Are you a Democrat or Republican?” “How much did that cost?”, “Are your parents divorced?” or anything that might make her feel uncomfortable or that is none of your business at this early stage of courtship.
-At the end of the evening, you thank her. If the evening was a hit, you can use adjectives like “fun”, “amazing”, “great” as in “Thanks- I had a great time!” If the evening was disappointing- still thank her. “Thanks so much. I enjoyed getting to know you.” or “I appreciate you letting me take you out.”
-You do not care if no other man you know treats women this way. You choose to do so because it is right, not because it is popular. Besides, you will soon find yourself in the enviable position of being appreciated and liked by women for your courtesy and manners. You will probably have your choice of dates.
Keep in mind- If a woman shuns these manners perhaps she is not the woman for you.
Rule number two: DON’T SETTLE
Every woman deserves to be treated with respect, but not every woman will make a good wife. Look for qualities in a woman that will increase the chances for a happy married life. When you go out, even on the most casual of dates, keep in mind the end goal of finding a good spouse. Don’t date someone who you would not at least consider as a spouse.
–Look for a woman who isn’t high maintenance. If you date spoiled, demanding girls, chances are you will marry one. If you marry a spoiled, demanding girl, you will inherit her father’s problems. Spoiled, demanding girls can be very cute, but they increase headaches and can lead to years of heartache and misery. Choose a girl who will ‘go with the flow’ and has an appreciation for things in life. Choose a girl with a positive mental attitude who can be cheerful even in less than ideal situations. Then work hard to be the man she deserves.
–Look for a woman who respects you and will appreciate your provision and protection. A girl who shuns courtesy as in refusing to allow you to open the door or take her coat, will compete with you in other ways later on. Be careful.
–Look for a woman who has high morals. And likewise be a man who embodies high morals. Seek one who embraces her faith, trusts in God and is kind to her fellow man. Look for a girl who respects herself and dresses and speaks modestly. A modest woman can be in the latest style and be well spoken, but she is never gaudy in dress or crass in speech.
Be the kind of man that the kind of woman described above deserves. Manners are classy and courtesy is never out of style. Keep the bar high and that will improve your chances of not just getting the girl, but of getting the right girl. And believe me, there’s a difference.
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Next up- Mom’s Rules for Getting the Guy-
theresathomas said:
I stand corrected:
I have been informed that doctors are not the only ones who may reasonably need to take calls from work. If being available is truly an important aspect of your job, then by all means answer your phone, but you may want to tell your date of this possibility up front and out of courtesy. Then, if a necessary work call comes in, say “Excuse me please, it’s work.” Take the call away from the table and handle it quickly. When you return, “I’m sorry about that” is a polite gesture. Likewise, be understanding if she also needs to take a work call.
Thank you to Mr. D. T. for pointing this out! 🙂
Monica Utt said:
Great! I am printing out a copy for both my kids and will be waiting for the next article!
theresathomas said:
Thanks, Monica.
Beth Dodge said:
Whether its the 1950’s or 2012, the two basic “rules” of “Mind your manners” and “Don’t Settle” still apply. Of course the practical implementation of these concepts will vary with the times. But the basic idea of treating your partner with respect (ie common courtesy) and as an equal is timeless. As to the second “rule”, it is my fervent wish that no one would “settle” for a partner to whom they do not feel completely committed and with whom they ardently desire to build a life together. My years since St Mary’s have taught me that life is too precious and too short to spend otherwise.
theresathomas said:
“Of course the practical implementation of these concepts will vary with the times.”
I agree!! Thank you, Beth.
Kim said:
While I am perfectly capable of opening my own car door and certainly do not want my husband ordering for me in a restaurant, I COMPLETELY agree with the overall tenor of your article and am trying to teach my 4 daughters that they should settle for nothing less than being treated like a true daughter of the King. Thank you and God bless.
theresathomas said:
Thank you, Kim.
Tara Brelinsky said:
Fantastic! No doubt “liberated women” will cry foul over this, but they are the same women who’ve sold themselves short. Good manners and respect are always in style, and women should demand them from any man who wants to garner their attention. The bad boy image to which so many women are attracted is responsible, in part, for the plague of single-mothers. Thank you for writing a great piece.
theresathomas said:
Thank you, Tara.
Cherri said:
Great advice!! I’m sharing this with my sons & daughters.
theresathomas said:
Thank you, Cherri.
Karla Taylor said:
I can attest after 11 years of marriage my husband still opens doors, pulls out chairs etc. because I LIVED this rules when we met and STILL DO. This is wonderful advice and it makes for a mutually loving, respectful and HAPPY marriage. The benefits our children have reaped from this is amazing. Thank you for posting!
theresathomas said:
Thank you, Karla.
cctro said:
I am going to send this to my young teen son to read. This is exactly how I would like him to treat the woman/women he courts in the coming years. I will also show my daughter when she is a little older- they should not settle for less- respect and loving treatment from the start. Thank you!
theresathomas said:
Thank you, cctro.
Mary Ann said:
Right on, Theresa!!!! Already working on these with my three sons (17, 12 &11) and I can attest that being a gentleman is what got my daughter interested in my now son-in-law, their peers all called them “old fashioned” but they were fine with that 🙂
theresathomas said:
Thank you, Mary Ann.
Tomnibus said:
Just found you today posted by someone else on FB. Good article. I am the father of seven boys and one little girl who was just baptized July 1. Your family looks great. I can tell the one on the end is a rebel; wearing pants and her hair was not pulled back like the others. 🙂
theresathomas said:
Thanks, Tomnibus. Good observation on our oldest daughter too 🙂 She is an art major now- in the picture, we had gone to the lake simultaneously to take her senior high school pics and our family pic. She didn’t want to change for this one. Good call LOL
theresathomas said:
More than 800 views today so far- and 327 ‘shares’ on Facebook- thank you ! And thanks for the private emails for those who didn’t want to try to figure out the WordPress commenting 🙂 I’m working on responses now-
Diane Freeby said:
As a Saint Mary’s College-educated woman, I have to say this is wonderfully said, Theresa! I am passing this along to my three teenage daughters and their two teenage brothers. Thank you 🙂
theresathomas said:
Thank you, Diane
sally said:
Great message. It’s how I want my sons to treat women and how I want my daughter treated!
theresathomas said:
Thank you, Sally
Monica Murphy said:
Dear Theresa,
As a rising Senior at Saint Mary’s College, I understand the great beauty of an all women’s education. Here, I have learned how to use the power of my voice. People know me as a very confident person, with high standards, and one that is not afraid to speak my mind, or express my thoughts. Am I a feminist? Yes. But I also understand the beauty of giving honor and being honored.
In my opinion, in order to grow strong women AND men in today’s world, we must all learn how to honor ourselves, which will then allow us to honor other’s. After all, showing respect is a big deal. Respect is treating people the way that you want to be treated. This is the difference between ordinary versus extraordinary relationships. So many women and men, especially my age, settle for less. Many are insecure and so they do whatever they can in order to get any attention. Men in todays world search for women who will symbolize their worth. All of this stems from deep insecurity. There is a difference between being noticed and seen. Being noticed is ordinary, but being seen is extraordinary, lasting and intimate.
As a young woman, I LOVE when guys are gentleman (which can be rare to find, but not always). Guys actually RESPECT you, when you hold the bar high. Every woman wants to be treated like a princess, and this comes when men show and give honor. This DOES NOT mean that us women lack power. When men hold the door open, or open up the car door, they are showing respect in every way. They are thriving for the extraordinary–which is a big deal. These simple life lessons should never change with time.
Furthermore, I am highly involved with an organization that is mostly male run. So many women feel this need to be assertive, direct and forceful in the workplace in order to feel equal. Actually, from personal experience, women’s greatest power is seen when they are able to cultivate a team of people (both male and female) that has strong chemistry, respect and honor for another.
I love every thing about this article. About a month ago, I was in a bar, celebrating a friends birthday. A male, my age, came and sat at our table. He and I started talking and he offered to buy me a drink. I said, “No, thank you. I have already had two, and I cannot have any more.” His response back: “I really respect you for that. You know your limits. Thats an admirable trait.” For the rest of the night at the bar, he respected my boundaries, and I was able to have many great chats with this gentleman, named Tim. When I left the bar, he walked me out, opened the door, and said: “I hope that I can see you again.”
Thanks Theresa. Much love to you.
theresathomas said:
Monica, thank you for sharing all that- you are a lovely young woman. And thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the post- Theresa
theresathomas said:
407 Facebook ‘share’s – Thanks everybody!
Out of literally a hundred personal notes and other responses to this article on Facebook, here, private messages, email, LinkedIN, etc., only about five disagreed with these manners and etiquette tips. Sadly, ALL those disagreeing graduated from my all women’s Catholic college and seem to espouse the feminist view that women are the same as men and ‘don’t need’ the courtesies represented here. No worry, though! That opinion, thankfully, seems to be in the minority. The vast majority of women who contacted me seem to enjoy their ‘equal though different’ role as a female in society, gladly support a return to good manners and fully embrace their womanhood.
I’ll be posting a companion “Mom’s Rules for Getting the Girl” piece soon. Until then-
Have a blessed Sunday!
Theresa
tracybuasmith said:
Loved this article and it made me realize how blessed I am to have a husband who is such a true gentleman and it makes my heart ache to know that so many women tend to settle for anything, but the best. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and blessing so many!
theresathomas said:
Thanks for your kind words, Tracy. You are a lucky woman to have found and married such a man! ❤
Vanessa said:
Excellent article!! I was blessed to marry just such a gentleman, and now we are trying to raise 4 of them. (it’s never too early to learn good manners!)
theresathomas said:
Thanks, Vanessa! You go, girl with those sons! We have six daughters as you can see from the picture and I’m hoping and praying for the best for them, and trying to raise them to be the the kind of women that good men will love and cherish ❤
Day Roth said:
Loved this article. Thank u so much 🙂
Chloe said:
I love this article – and reposted it on my blog: When is the one for young ladies coming out?
theresathomas said:
Thanks, Chloe- I will try to get to it soon! 🙂