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catholic woman, child, family, homemaking, love, Mothering, mothers, parenting, stay at home, stay at home mom
A version of this first appeared on Patti Armstrong and my Stories for the Homeschool Heart blog-
I was at a cocktail party with my husband.
“You don’t work?,” one woman said with pity in her voice, “ I could never stay at home and do nothing.”
Do nothing? Really? I had to giggle. This woman obviously didn’t know my bursting-at-the-seams life of cleaning and cooking, gardening, driving, loving, meal planning, shopping, learning, writing, reading and educating the next generation. My staying at home was equally full of intense satisfaction and occasional frustration. Tears and laughter. But never, never ever boring.
Instead of coming back with a witty retort, or trying to justify my stay-at-home-ness, however, I just smiled. I’m a show, not tell kind of person. The woman likely wouldn’t likely have believed me anyway if I tried to correct her falsehood, and I didn’t think anything was to be gained from it. So I smiled, glanced up and when I saw the hostess with a fresh plate of goodies, I excused myself to the chocolate eclairs.
Later, this same woman was in earshot when another guest asked me about my new book and another about my nine children. It was a very satisfying moment indeed.
Mama, you don’t have to have written a book or have nine blessings to justify your staying at home. One baby takes up all your time. More could take up no more time than the first. Twenty four hours a day responsibility is twenty four hours a day responsibility, no?
And so, I’d like to encourage you, whether you have one child or ten, to rest in the knowledge that your staying home to raise your family is important. It is good. It does and will make a difference in the world.
Despite the fact we are committed to homemaking and raising our children, when stay at home mothers hear comments like the one I did that evening, it can be easy to devalue what stay at home moms do every day in the heart of the home. The world just doesn’t see much of our efforts on a day to day basis. Keeping a home and raising children is a quiet task, a gentle undertaking, and the formation undertaken within the walls of home may not be evident in public society for years, but don’t let that fool you into believing that what you do isn’t important, or that it doesn’t have profound impact, not only on your immediate family and community, but also eventually on society as a whole. Indeed, as the saying goes, “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” Let’s take a peek at why what you do matters.
Every book you read helps your child’s brain development. Studies show time and time again that neurons develop in early on in your child’s brain, and that conversation and active reading helps stimulate neuron growth. Reading helps a child decode symbols- and realize that those little squiggles and lines on a page have sounds…and meaning, and are a way to express ideas. According to one source, regularly spending time with a child reading, explaining, joking and questioning physically alters the way the child’s brain is wired, and that those effects are permanent. Further, there are “learning windows” for certain skills. Capture those windows and the child is set up for optimal learning his whole life. Preschool years are crucial. When you read to your child, you affect his entire future.
What’s more, reading to your child provides an opportunity for emotional connection. Every snuggle you share on the sofa with your little one while looking at the pages of a book helps him grow in security and comfort. Hearing your unrushed, soothing voice engaging him in a topic of interest (all the better if pictures are included!) models something valuable that he will likely pass on to his own children, your grandchildren some day. You are participating in a cycle of unrushed love. You are cementing your relationship with your child for life.
Can you not be a full- time homemaker and read to your children and reap the benefits? Certainly. But it is obviously easier to make the time daily to read when you are home and available. Also, I wanted to point out that reading to your child is far from doing “nothing” or simply being an enjoyable activity.
Reading to your child is far from the only beneficial task you undertake as you make your home and raise your family. Every dish you clean, every load of plates you unload from the dishwasher, every room you pick up, every bed you make without complaining and with simple acceptance and dedication to the task shows your child the value of work, of orderliness. Your acceptance of unpleasant tasks sets the stage for your child’s acceptance of inevitable work he too must learn to do. Small things done with great love is the way to be a great Christian. Not all are called to lead armies or demonstrate faith or accomplishments on a public and world-stage. However, everyone can find a path to sanctity in embracing small tasks, doing them well and for the love of God. Little things do matter and children learn that from mothers who make a home joyfully.
This short post cannot address all the important undertakings accomplished by a full time homemaker. These above are just a couple examples of why what she does matters.
Let’s not forget that a supporting role is an important role. Look at the construction of a building.
Photo credit: Caroline Thomas
A gorgeous façade and entryway means nothing if the building isn’t structurally sound. A good solid foundation allows the building to go higher, be stronger, endure inclement weather, and serve its main purpose best. We are the foundation, ladies, for our children, for our families. We are the cement, the base that allows the “building” to soar, to be strong, and to endure. When we provide good example, organization, spiritual strength and a joyful spirit, we are providing our families with a foundation for being exceptional, doing good and accomplishing God’s will in their lives optimally. We are not “doing nothing”.
Some women have to work. Others choose to work. I’m not addressing that here. What I’m saying is that being a full time homemaker is valuable, worthy and blessed. But in your heart, I bet you already knew that.
Monique said:
Very well said!
I have had many people say the same thing to me….it’s rude. I have even had a family member ask how my house gets messy since I am home all the time…..let me see I have children and we homeschool. Life is always busy for us stay at home mamas!
theresathomas said:
Monique, I agree it can be frustrating. Sometimes when the house is –for one minute–perfect, I would like to pack up and go to Grandmas just so the order will last longer. LOL. I think so long as we are always moving toward order and keep things relatively clean we’re on track. Do you use chore charts with the kids? Chore charts have helped me a lot to spread the work fairly among all inhabitants…. 🙂
an uncommon girl said:
Your daughter liked my post and that’s how I found your blog.
I liked reading this post. I found it refreshing that you expressed that the number of children doesn’t matter. Unfortunately so many count children and miss the joy of just being a mom. I’m very thankful that I’ve been a stay home mom for my children from day one. Best to you and yours.
theresathomas said:
Well, you must either do ballet or like to bake….because those are her favorite hobbies! I’m going to go with….bake? 🙂 Now watch, you’ll be a principal with American Ballet Theater or something- lol. Anyway, thanks for following her ballet blog here. I’m glad you stopped by. Yes, it doesn’t matter how many children one has as far as work and care- one takes up all your time. More cannot take up any more! I am the oldest of 13 so I thought it would be a piece of cake when I had my own family. My first baby, a little boy, (who did not sleep but 2 hours here and then 2 hours there….) threw me for a HUGE loop and it took me forever to adjust to motherhood. I remember praying “Dear God please let him sleep through the night” when number two son was due any minute. I had one week of blessed slumber before the new baby came. Somehow you just survive.
Now I’m at the stage where the youngest is six- and it’s really a breeze. If you raise the older kids well, they turn out to be a huge help. I think the hardest time for everyone is the baby/toddler stage- but oh, I miss those sloppy kisses!!
Andrea said:
Enjoyed reading this during my after lunch break. I still struggle to embrace this idea, even after 15 years. Thanks for stating the truth so clearly.
Andrea
theresathomas said:
Gosh, thanks Andrea. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts and that I was part of your lunch hour 🙂
Tahlitha Chadwick said:
Beautifully written Theresa.
I was recently asked by a family friend, “Do you plan to make staying at home with your kids a profession?” To say the least, my first thought was ‘WOW’. Now because I knew his personality and more importantly, his heart, I just replied, “Yes!”
Thanks for the encouragement.
theresathomas said:
Tahlitha, thank you for the compliment. I appreciate your words. I think your “Yes!” to your family friend’s question had more influence than 100 more words. Way to go! 🙂 I really think we should encourage one another but demonstrate to others by actions more than words. We are blessed. 🙂 ❤
Theresa
Tahlitha Chadwick said:
You’re welcome. And you’re very right, actions do speak louder than words. And motherhood is filled with action.
theresathomas said:
Hahah. You bet! Lots of action:)
Rena Nichole said:
To be fair, there are a LOT of women who stay home and do nothing, and a LOT of women who use *one* baby as an excuse not to make dinner or clean. Ever. I’m not saying a baby isn’t tough, and I don’t have kids now, but there are so many fabulous women who really do take pride in their children, husband, and house management, that those women make me all kinds of frowny-face. And I know more of them than I do the amazing kind.
theresathomas said:
Rena Nichole,
I agree- there will be people who abuse the privilege of being able to stay home with their children. Many are tempted to laziness. That’s why I think it’s important for moms- particularly young moms with new babies and difficult demands- to network, support and encourage one another. I know that I lived for Tuesdays at the YMCA where I went for the “One, Two and You” program and met some wonderful moms, some of whom remained close friends. My little guys got to run around and let off steam on the gymnastics equipment and I got much needed conversation and a break. I hope you do consider staying at home when you do have children. It is so rewarding and maybe you can be that excellent example to other young women in your ‘neck of the woods’. 🙂 God bless you!
Theresa
Dawn said:
Beautifully written. It is true that when I worked the house was much cleaner. Nobody was ever home to enjoy it. Now I stay home and the house is messier but my life is much better. I know for certain that I didn’t get to really know my son until I had to spend all day with him. I would have missed a lot if I had chosen my career instead. Thankfully, my husband supported my decision and accepted full responsibility as the bread winner.
theresathomas said:
“When I worked the house was much cleaner”- Me too, Dawn! That is a beautiful reply you wrote and it sounds like you have a gem of a guy for a husband- hang on to him!! Kindred souls we are- 🙂
Theresa
Acep Aprilyana said:
Hi..
Am sure you are very very very very great mother. salut to you.
theresathomas said:
Why, thank you very much Acep Aprilyana-Have a great day-
Barbara Garneau Kelley said:
Love your blog. I just discovered you through your daughter’s blog.
bahamamommyinc said:
Wonderful — this expresses so many of my thoughts as a new stay at home mom!
LivingCreatingBelieving said:
I enjoyed this post. I work from home but I get the same questions or, “Well it’s easier for you since you don’t have a real job.” As though taking care of children & running a home is easy as pie. 🙂 Stay at home mothers find plenty to do, that’s for sure.
theresathomas said:
They sure do! 🙂 I write at night when the children are in bed- I suspect you have the same trick? 🙂
LivingCreatingBelieving said:
Yep, after 8pm is my time. 🙂 I only have one so it makes it a bit easier, I can do some of my things while she works on school work next to me.
Sandy Kreps said:
Thank you for putting this so eloquently. I work part-time away from home and run a business from home that takes me away a few times a month. Sometimes I have a hard time explaining to people why I left a full-time position to work for myself and to work part-time. Now I will send them here to read this! 😊
theresathomas said:
Thanks, Sandy! Send everyone. lol
Suzanne said:
Thank you so much for these words.